Ambien Zombie

I feel like I sort of left things hanging with the post before the last one, so I should at least write a follow-up to that. While I was driving my daughter home from gymnastics camp just a few minutes ago, I was thinking of when we moved here six years ago, and were going through a very worrisome time due to her significant developmental delays. For the first three years of her life, we took numerous trips to various specialists, including a pediatric cardiologist. (Talk about a depressing waiting room.) A while ago, I was trying to recall the specific details of those visits, so of course I consulted my blog. Nothing. Nothing except a vague reference to the fact that I had gone to the pediatric cardiologist and didn't feel like writing about it. At the time, I suppose I figured I would rally and write about it eventually, but I never did. Now I regret that. I want that time back. I want the details; I want to remember exactly what I was feeling at the time, other than distraught. So I shall sally forth and try to write down as many details as I can now, because someday I will want them.

To make a long story short: It looks as if the surgery I discussed with Dr. T on 7/15 is a go. I am planning on it, with cautious optimism.

To make a short story long: Remember how I have not been able to sleep? How I went to see my PCP to get a prescription for Ambien? Well, apparently my anxiety levels are so high that even Ambien doesn't do the trick. It definitely helps, but even with a melatonin + Ambien cocktail + scarf over my eyes + earplugs, I'm lucky to get five hours of uninterrupted sleep. And once I wake up from whatever sleep the aforementioned give me, it's all over. There is no going back to sleep for any significant amount of time - just dozing for maybe half an hour at a time or so.

One night last week, I woke up around 1 AM sweating and itching and was convinced I was experiencing early onset menopause, but that's a different story. The next night, I didn't want to mess around, so I drank a huge glass of wine with my Ambien and fell asleep while watching Harry Potter with my kids. I remember waking up at the end to go to the bathroom and help my husband get the kids to bed, going to sleep, and waking up with a horrible Ambien + wine hangover. I staggered into the office to check my e-mail before the kids got up. I had an e-mail from Dr. T. It said:

Waning,

I am confident that we can make the surgery happen. I am a very safe surgeon and do a very thorough preoperative evaluation. I want to make certain that we do this for you without causing any problems and I definitely don't want you to have another blood clot.

Rest assured. 

Ty Tahm, MD

Confused, I scrolled down. To my horror, I discovered that somehow, in the middle of the night, I had sent him a horrible, panicky, anxiety-filled e-mail that is so embarrassing I can't even paste its contents here. I pretty much told him if he was going to back out on me, to tell me now. I needed to know.

Holy shit.

I promptly Googled 'side effects of Ambien' and came across this article, which made me feel a little better. So Ambien really can make you do crazy shit, apparently. At least I didn't kill anyone, just HUMILIATED myself. Although, oddly enough, my e-mail was extremely coherent. Everything I said was certainly what was on my mind, it just needed editing to not be so overbearingly forward and presumptuous. I even told Dr. T about all the reading I had been doing on PubMed about hemoglobin E, including: There do not seem to be any clinical issues being heterozygous E or even homozygous EE, unless in combination with another mutation. The concern you spoke to me about was with patients whose spleens had been removed, but in reading through the literature, it seems those patients had splenomegaly because they had hbE + another abnormal hemoglobin.

OMGIWANTTODIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!

I didn't even know splenomegaly was in my vocabulary. Apparently it's a real thing, though. See? http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/enlarged-spleen/basics/definition/con-20029324

Let me just repeat: OMGIWANTTODIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!

I replied:

Dr. Tahm,

Thank you for the reassurance. I appreciate your thoroughness. I am always trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario (and there have been several over the past two months). And sorry for the panicky e-mail... I have been taking Ambien so I can sleep after two months of not really sleeping, and apparently it makes me write middle-of-the-night crazy e-mails. Yikes.  

If there were a sheepish emoticon, I would have added that, but honestly, what else can you do?

But, when all is said and done, the reassurance is good. I just pray the next time I see Dr. T, I'll be unconscious already. So I guess I should change that to: I just pray the next time Dr. T sees me, I'll be unconscious already.

Can this nightmare be over already?! Oh wait, you have to sleep to have nightmares. This is real. This. is. real. Unbelievably, horribly real.