Out of Words (11 Weeks + 5 Days)

I feel like I am running out of new words to express my frustrations, which is an odd feeling for me. I'm almost never at a loss for words when it comes to writing.

I suppose that I could write nothing at all, but... it is Saturday evening and I am home alone, with only college football on TV to keep me company. Also, as I have progressed through this hopefully soon to end adventure, I've realized how valuable it is for me to have a record of some of my experiences, as I was experiencing them. Of course, my hope is always that what I'm writing won't end up being significant, but so far I'm batting about 500. The leg pain I started to complaining about just a week after surgery turned out to be massive blood clot, which was finally diagnosed a month later. At that point, I stopped taking birth control and started taking Xarelto, which led to massive vaginal bleeding, which I freaked out about. Fortunately, that did turn out to be 'nothing' - if losing enough blood to soak through a super plus tampon and a pad in an hour for 48 hours counts as 'nothing.'

I'm now almost 12 weeks post-surgery, the point at which I was supposed to be all better, 'all better' meaning that I would have no restrictions on my activity, the point at which my surgeon said he had seen NHL hockey players start playing hockey again. Instead? I am feeling horrendous pain, the same, if not worse, than it was before the surgery. I also have a lot of pain in my left hip, which I've mostly been trying to ignore, because honestly, I can't deal with pain in another body part right now. (I warned you early - I have pretty much zero tolerance for stress.) However, I'm starting to get somewhat alarmed by the pain in my left hip, which is relentless and just won't let up.

I know that I supposedly need to be patient, but I am tired of being patient and tired of being a patient. Also, at my last visit with my orthopedist, he assured me it was very likely that I'd be feeling much better in a month. That was almost a month ago, and instead of feeling much better, I feel much worse. And this is after having a second cortisone shot a little over two weeks ago. This does not feel right to me. I realize that recovery from surgery is a process, and everyone is different, and yada yada yada, and just because NHL hockey players are able to play hockey within three months doesn't mean I should expect the same. At the same time, I don't feel like it's normal that I should be feeling worse than I did before surgery at this point. And I'm not asking to play hockey, just to be able to walk without severe pain.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that my therapist had suggested using crutches again, to give my hip a rest. At the time, I saw that as really going backwards, but recently I've become sort of desperate and decided to try this - at least when I'm alone. At this point, it is not muscle weakness or lack of range of motion that is my problem; it is the pain. I can do everything that is asked of me at PT; it just hurts like hell. So maybe a little rest when I can get it isn't a bad idea. With that in mind, I decided to really try to rest this weekend, since my husband took the kids out of town and I was by myself. It has been difficult to really adhere to using crutches to get around, but at the same time, the pain relief that the crutches afford makes it easier.

I was supposed to take an all-day class today that was cancelled. So... I went up to my office at the university and spent the day there. I could have worked from home, but over the past few years I've really tried to make a concerted effort to draw a line between my work life and my home life. I've been so successful that even when I'm all alone, it's hard for me to work from home, with the exception of answering e-mails and grading.

As I said earlier, I am super self-conscious about trudging around on crutches; for some reason this embarrasses me, a lot. However, I figured that I was fairly safe from embarrassment on a Saturday morning at the university, and was fairly determined to give my PT's 'resting when I can' idea a chance. Little did I know that so many of my colleagues work on Saturdays. LOL. Fortunately, everyone knows about my hip saga at this point, so it's not a hugely surprising thing for me to be using crutches to get around. (If I'm not crutching, I'm limping and constantly whining.) The sort of ironic part of this is that yesterday, I had to walk across campus to deliver exams to Disability Services for my students who need a test-taking accommodation. While I was dragging myself past my colleague's office, she asked me where I was headed, as if she knew I was going to Disability Services (work ESP, I guess). When I told her, she came out of her office and asked me if I could take her exams over for her as well. Then she asked me if I needed to borrow her cane. LOL. This woman is actually disabled herself; she was hit by a car while riding her bike to work, and now uses a cane to get from her car to her office. I declined, but apparently she was watching me as I made my precarious descent down the staircase just outside her office. She called after me, 'Seriously! I mean it! You can borrow my cane!' Today when I was sitting in my office, this same colleague passed by my office and commented on my crutches in a tsk tsk sort of way, as if my refusing the use of her cane yesterday caused my need for crutches today. Ha!

Here's where I could really use an awesome doctor or physical therapist. I feel like I'm stuck in this weird territory between needing to strengthen my hip and return to normal, and needing to rest my hip to not cause more pain and inflammation. Since I don't seem to be getting much guidance, I've been consulting Dr. Google again. After much consultation with Dr. Google,  I've come up with the following possible explanations for my continuing pain:

1. It is just typical post-surgery pain, and I need to give it more time. This would be the best explanation, though I find it hard to believe that all of this pain is just normal pain. During my last visit with the orthopedist, he commented that my labrum had obviously not healed yet, and that I needed to give it more time. Later I got to wondering about what traipsing around on a still-torn labrum was doing, considering the reason he told me I needed to be on crutches for an f-ing month was to let the labrum heal properly. I sent him an e-mail but never heard back from him.
2. I somehow tore the labrum again. Aside from falling the afternoon after surgery, I don't see when this could have happened. For once, I've been an extremely compliant patient throughout all of this.
3. I have tendonitis in my hip flexors and a lot of scar tissue that is causing the pain. This is what the therapist I've been working with has suggested. At my last appointment, she used the 'spatula' on me and commented on how much scar tissue I seemed to have. However, she did not think this would necessarily be causing the continued 'grinding' sensation I have in my hip joint. Nonetheless, I Googled treatment for hip flexor tendonitis, and non-surgical options include... rest... and ice. Check.
4. I have avascular necrosis (AVN), which is basically when the blood supply to the bone is interrupted, and the bone begins to die. Not to be a hypochondriac, but I'm sort of alarmed at how much of what I'm feeling seems to match up with the symptoms for this. Also, this condition is often associated with clotting that cuts off the blood supply to the bone. While I know enough about anatomy to understand that clots in veins are different from clots in arteries, I can't help but wonder if there could be some connection between DVT and AVN. All my literature searches on AVN tell me that most cases of AVN are idiopathic ( = no known cause), but it still makes me think... hmmmmm... Of course, I Googled treatment for AVN, and non-surgical options include... rest... and electrical stimulation. Check.

So... I have a plan of sorts. My next appointment with my orthopedist is on Friday, October 10th. If I'm not feeling much better by then, and if he tells me once again to be patient and wait it out, I'm going to get a second opinion. I'm also going to try to find a new physical therapist and perhaps see a pain doctor that my PA recommended to me initially. This is sort of tricky, and involves some level of confrontation that is difficult for me, but might be necessary, IMO. I've tried so hard to be positive about all of this, and I really like my surgeon, and don't want to be angry with him, but at the same time, I don't feel like he is helping me right now. And I really need help!

I think the other part of this that I'm struggling with right now is whether or not it was a good decision to have this surgery in the first place, considering that I'm now feeling worse than I was before the surgery, plus have been dealing with a potentially life-threatening blood clot. It doesn't help that I have my mom constantly reminding me that you should never see a doctor unless you will otherwise die (which is the attitude with which I was reared). However, I have to say that I'm not yet at a point of pure bitterness. I still don't regret my decision. While I'm disappointed in the outcome of the surgery, and how my surgeon has dealt with it, I still know that I had to give this surgery a chance. If I weren't here whining about how much my hip hurt post-surgery, I'd be here whining about how much my hip hurt because of a torn labrum and loose cartilage floating around in the joint, and you'd all be thinking that I should just have the surgery so I would shut up already.

And... to conclude, I'd like to say that I am still thankful every day that this is the biggest problem I have in my life right now. I realize it could be so much worse, and I am extremely grateful that it isn't.