I am too young for any of this.

You know, I think I was born to be a middle-aged woman. Middle age suits me well. I'm happier with myself in my 40s than I have been at any other time of my life. I've heard a similar story from other friends, so maybe it's just something to do with the age, and it's not about me. Then again, maybe it is me. Or maybe it's both. Either way, when I consider that my 40s have pretty much sucked in a lot of ways, it's shocking that I can say these have been good years. And maybe good isn't exactly the right word. It's more like... comfortable...?

I was kind of a weird kid. I was socially awkward and had a hard time making friends. With the exception of a few years, I never really had 'a group' I belonged to. I was never a rebellious teen; in fact, as a teen, I related much better to adults than to other teens. Yet, I was ridiculously naive into my mid-20s. I spent my late 20s trying to come up with something meaningful to do so that I wouldn't have to have kids yet, because, after all, what else does a married woman with no career do with herself, other than have kids? That was probably one of the hardest times of my life. At that point, most women are either fully entrenched in motherhood or fully entrenched in a career, and I had neither. In my early to mid 30s, I struggled to find that magical balance between being a decent mom and trying to work, as well as, OMG what do I want to do when I grow up? And then, in my late 30s, things got good. My daughter went off to kindergarten, and I had another baby - a baby boy. I'm not going to lie, I'm not well-suited for the baby phase. But it was easier the second time around, because despite having a baby, I was still the mother of a school-aged kid. The mother of a school-aged kid and, oh yeah, a baby. Being the mom of a school-aged kid works well for me; having a baby was secondary to that identity.

And now, both my kids are school-aged, and it's a double dose of awesome. I LOVE IT. I mean, aside from the cancer and the hips and all, I've LOVED my 40s. Some people say they were born to swim or born to teach or born to cook or born to be wild (haha), and I can say with surety that I was born to be in my 40s. When I was a kid, I longed to be older, and when I was in my 20s and 30s, I longed to go back to college, but in my 40s, I am happy to be the 42.5 years old that I am at this very moment - no younger, no older.

Weirdly enough, my cancer and my hips make me feel both older and younger than I actually am, but never my true age. In Cancerland, from a statistics point of view, I am considered Very Young to have/had cancer, but I'm also on the old side of Very Young. I've met folks online who were diagnosed with cancer in their 20s or early 30s, and from their point of view, I'm old. At least, old in the sense that I'm too old to understand the issues they are going through, like dating after a mastectomy or preserving your fertility. In the hip realm of things, for an average person, I'm Very Young to be having hip pain and hip surgery, yet considering the congenital condition I have and surgery I'm having, I'm actually Very Old. Most people who have PAO surgery are in their 20s.

I mean, whatever. The great thing about being in the middle is that you can be young when you want, old when you want, and in the middle when you want, and they're all true.

Anyway. I digress.

This past month, I've been focused on the practical side of everything more than the philosophical side. One of my major projects has been finding a pair of crutches that's suitable for long-term crutch use. For my last hip surgery, which seems like eons ago, I used a combination of underarm thrift-store crutches with pads from Crutcheze (highly recommended), and forearm crutches that my dad has from a time when he broke his ankle in Europe, where forearm crutches are the norm. (In the U.S., usually only people who are long-term crutch users use forearm crutches.) But considering how. freaking. long. I am going to be on crutches in the next year or so, that just didn't seem like it was going to cut it. So I Googled 'most comfortable crutches' and came up with two different candidates - Millenial crutches, and Mobilegs.

There are a few places in town that sell Millenial crutches, so I went to test them out. At the same time, I also inquired about wheelchair rental prices, which is another thing that has been recommended to me. (Suck up your pride and rent a wheelchair.) I explained to the woman who was helping me that I was going to be on crutches for a very long time, so I needed a very comfortable pair. (BTW, the Millenial crutches did NOT cut it for me.) I think between that and the wheelchair rental inquiry, she was very curious, but politely didn't ask too much. And it's not like I'm secretive or anything, but I tend to not share too much unless people ask too much. Eventually we did discuss the fact that I'd be having hip surgery, but left it at that. When I told her the Millenial crutches were very uncomfortable and I couldn't believe they got such great reviews, she asked me about traditional crutches. I told her I had those already. Then she asked if I would be interested in forearm crutches. I told her I had those already, too. Then she asked, 'What about... a walker?' OMG, LOL. I actually already have a walker, too. I needed one to save my back after my DIEP reconstruction, so my husband picked one up at the thrift store. But I looked her straight in the eye, and was like, 'I am too young to go out in public with a walker.' Yes, around the house is okay, but in public, no. Just no.

She looked at me very sympathetically and said, 'I understand.' Then added, 'You are too young for any of this.'

My immediate reaction was, 'Yeah lady, and you don't know the half of it,' but then I thought to myself, 'She's right. I'm too young for this.' Granted, I look younger than I am, but I suspect if I had told her that I'm actually 42 years old, she wouldn't have changed her stance. In so many ways, I AM too young for this. But... the beauty of middle age is that I've fully accepted that things are what they are. In reality, there's no such thing as too old or too young or too anything. You just are what you are, and your life is what it is. Eventually you have to accept it - whether it is kicking and screaming the whole way, or wholeheartedly embracing it. I'm working on the latter.