DABDA

Disclaimer: I am having a terrible day, so this is going to be a super whiny post. Sorry about that.

In my EMT class, we learned the Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. DABDA. Not that I'm grieving, nor do I want to come across as melodramatic, but I think as I've mulled over my situation for the past year, I've dabbled in each of these stages.

I do not think it took me long to decide definitively that I cannot have PAO surgery anytime soon, and I actually felt relieved with this decision, and immediately started to plan for an aggressive pain management regimen. This felt good. I reached a point a while back where I was just trying to accept my pain for what it was, and live with it. Emotionally, that was sort of a relief, but it turned out I just couldn't deal with not really knowing why I was in so much pain. But now I know why my hip hurts, and I know what I would likely need to do to fix it (assuming Dr. #2 is not a crackpot), and I know that isn't the right thing for me right now, so I think I can fully accept the pain and learn how to live with it.

I felt so happy after I came to this point. Acceptance.

And then... I had pretty much the worst hip day ever today. Worst. Day. Ever.


The joy of anti-coagulants

Stabbing pains in my right hip, and pain in my left hip all the way from my gluts down my IT band. Pain in my back. Swelling in my ankle. (This is probably the DVT.) On top of this, I have a nasty, nasty bruise on my right leg from a ridiculously minor fall I took while skiing. (Literally, I just fell over while I was standing there. Thank you, Xarelto.) It was a pain-filled day like no day I have experienced in a very long time. The fates are testing me and the decision I was so sure of and so happy about.

When I got back to my office after teaching, I sat in front of my desk and cried. I'm not kidding. I couldn't get comfortable enough to actually do any work, so I ended up shutting my office door and pacing around my office using the crutches that are still stuck behind my door from August, when I couldn't get across campus without them. It was actually sort of cathartic to pace around on crutches with no pain, and it sent my mind spinning in all sorts of different directions. I remember after I had my first cortisone injection, the doctor told me that those first 24 hours, those awesome pain-free hours when the anesthetic is active, is what it could be like all the time. I won't lie; that hope is what sucked me into the surgery. I think when you're in pain for a long time, you forget what it's like without pain; it's only when you experience those pain-free moments that you realize just how bad the pain is and how much it's affecting you.

And so now I'm back to HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I TAKE THIS?!

I realize I don't need to make a decision STAT, nor should I. This is a fairly big decision, but fortunately not a life or death one. I have the luxury of time. It's just that I'm a very impatient person, and more than anything, I don't like not having a plan. Even if the plan is to live with something that sucks, I can deal with it. (Hell, my mother-in-law lives in a cottage in my back yard, and... I deal with it. :)) It's the not knowing what to do that I hate, hate, HATE, and unfortunately, since this is not a life or death matter, there is no clear answer.

A few final, random thoughts, in no particular order:

• I joined a support group on Yahoo for women with hip issues. This is so not me, but I totally need some support right now. The sort of weird thing is that when I talk to people about my hip issues, they seem surprised I have hip issues because I am relatively active and fit, and relatively young (though I look younger than I am). But when I go online and try to find others with similar experiences, I realize I am relatively couch-potatoish, not fit, and older than most. But... I've already received a bunch of nice e-mails from women in this group, so I hope this will be a good thing for me.
• I'm thankful for the blogs I've read about PAO, which help me see the reality of this surgery. It is brutal, and the recovery is difficult, way worse than for a labral repair. This makes sense considering they cut your hip bone apart and screw it back together, which is a lot more invasive than sticking a few screws into your hip and tying down some loose cartilage.
• The reality of this surgery is that it involves a significant hospital stay (up to a week!) and a long and painful recovery.
• I'm thankful for the blogs because when I was talking to the NP and orthopedist about the surgery, they really didn't make it sound like a huge deal (and maybe it isn't in the large scheme of things, but it is to me, especially considering my first experience with surgery wasn't exactly awesome). Basically the NP said I'd be on crutches for 6-8 weeks, which is a long time, but... doable. I mean, after my labral repair surgery, I was on crutches for a month, and it was about 6 weeks before I didn't need them at all, so what is a few more weeks, right? But neither the NP nor orthopedist mentioned the long hospital stay with blood transfusions, needing a wheelchair, nor the massive amount of pain involved in the recovery. I mean, with the labral repair surgery, the crutches were really just to let the labrum heal. I didn't feel a massive amount of pain, and I was able to get around and be independent fairly quickly after the surgery. PAO is a whole different beast; being on crutches seems like it would be the least of my worries.
• On the topic of crutches, I've changed so much in the past year. A little over a year ago, I felt totally appalled at the idea of going out in public on crutches, and was most definitely dead set against any of my colleagues, and especially students, seeing me on crutches. I so don't care now. I mean, I do. I'd still find it somewhat embarrassing if I had to show up to work tomorrow on crutches. But if, for example, my doctor told me my hip pain would be better if I spent the next month on crutches, I'd comply in a heartbeat.
• I also realize how stupid I was to think that I could absolutely not do my job on crutches. True, I'm on my feet a lot, and being on crutches would be a challenge, but now that I'm staring down reality, I realize there are a lot of jobs that are much, much, much less crutch-friendly than my current job. The fact that I am pursuing some of these jobs is what is adding to my stress about my hip issues.
• In reading through my blog from right after surgery, I noted a few things. One is that I think I wanted so badly for my surgery to work, that in hindsight, my overly-optimistic tone is practically nauseating. But in reading blogs, I realized it was all about attitude, and I was trying so hard to be positive. My hip felt so good after surgery, but I'm starting to realize that was probably because I was on crutches, and not feeling the pain. After I started to ditch the crutches, the pain returned. Bleck.
• In reading through blogs about PAO and other major hip surgeries, a recurring theme is that the people who have gone through this have a very supportive network of family and friends, and say they couldn't have done this without aforementioned family and friends. One of the reasons (among several) that I feel like I can't do this is because I honestly don't have that. I really don't have a supportive network. I mean, I do have family, and my parents live a few blocks away from me, but they are not exactly supportive. My mom is disdainful of most modern medicine, and uses my failed surgery to back up her theory that all doctors are idiots, and you should never let a doctor touch you unless you are dying (and even then, you will probably die faster than if you went into a forest and ate moss and sang kumbaya). And my husband... well... it's complicated. Whatever lack of support I get from him, I fully deserve, because what goes around comes around. I will leave it at that for now. Lest you think I am total loser, I do have some friends, but not the 'I will take care of you if you have surgery' type of friends.
• I mentioned that I wasn't sure how I left things after my last appointment with New Doctor, but a few days ago I got a call from an imaging place telling me they had received orders for an MRI on my left hip (my 'good' hip), so I figured what the heck. It is so hard for me to pursue this medical stuff, but I seem to be on a roll, so why stop now? And I truly am curious to know if I have the same problems in my left hip as on my right. I hold out hope that I don't, because the pain is different, but I suppose we shall see.

And that is where I am right now. I keep going in circles, and I'm somewhere mid-circle.