Sweating the Small Stuff

I had book club on Thursday night, and nine of us went through nine bottles of wine. The only reason I'm including this is to set the stage for Friday, when I had to get up and go to physical therapy and then drive 60 miles to go see Dr. T. OMG I was so not in the mood for anything but lying in bed and sleeping. I saw a book club friend at an event on Friday night and she told me, 'Ugh - I think I'm still hung over!' I joked, 'I think I might actually still be drunk.' LOL. Jesus Christ, I have no idea what we were thinking.

Yeah so anyway, needless to say, I was not myself at my appointment with Dr. T. He brought in his laptop to show me pictures from my surgery (my request*) and while I had promised not to throw up, it was a harder promise to keep than I had imagined, haha. It had nothing to do with the pictures, though. ;-)

* At BRA Day, I asked Dr. T why exactly my surgery was so complicated and anxiety-inducing. He said the complicated part was that he had to use such a large area of my abdomen with just one blood vessel. Then he pulled out his phone, as if he were going to show me the pictures, and was like, 'Oh, I don't have the pictures on my phone.' That was sort of a relief, because, uh, that would have been weird.

After we looked at the pictures, which was really an experience, he showed me pictures of his kids playing soccer and we had a long conversation about soccer and sports and how my daughter, ironically, doesn't have an athletic ounce of tissue in her body. Then he went and got his 'chaperone' for my exam.

Everything is fine. It is not great, but it's fine. I knew this. Highlights:

• My nipple made it, but as Dr. T pointed out, 'It's angry.' It's actually more like it is humiliated, in my opinion, which on a normal day I would have pointed out, only due to my wicked hangover I just sat there moaning to myself OMG I want to go hooooooome. My nipple is deflated, flat as a pancake. Whatever. I'm just happy to have a nipple that isn't a tattoo, and I went into the surgery fully expecting that my nipple wouldn't make it, so having one at all is bonus. 
• My nipples are uneven, mainly because my natural breast sags a little and my foob ( = fake boob) does not. 
• My foob is significantly larger than my right boob. We've known this all along, but it didn't prevent a rather humorous exchange in which Dr. T remarked, 'You're bigger on the left side' and I replied, 'Yeah, I know' in a tone that implied Of course I am - YOU made it that way! He smiled, because he understood what I meant, and explained that sometimes some of the tissue doesn't survive, so it is hard to know at the time of surgery how much to put in. As I recall him telling me right after the surgery, it's better to put more tissue in and take it out later than to not put it in and then later be like, 'Sorry, it's in the trash can.' (Yes, he really said that. Sorry, it's in the trash can.) Also, to be fair, my left side swelled quite a bit due to the seroma I developed after my re-excision surgery, so it was bigger by the time I met Dr. T. For all he knew, I had always been that way.
• My foob is very hard. It's like a coconut. Dr. T said it will get softer. I looked at him suspiciously, and he said, 'I promise.' 
• My third rib is very sore, and sticks out. I was convinced Dr. T had broken it when he removed the cartilage to get to my internal thoracic artery, although he assured me at the last appointment that he did not. (Of course.) Dr. T said it wasn't that the rib was actually sticking out more than it should; it just looks more prominent because I have breast tissue over my ribs on my right side, and none on my left. My physical therapist had observed the same, but told me to check with Dr. T anyway, because the rib does hurt a little. 
• I have some lumps in my abdomen around my scar, which Dr. T said are probably scar tissue. Oh, and my belly button is slightly off center, which I did not point out, because... you know, the hangover. Zombie. All that.

I guess the biggest question mark is what, if anything, we are going to do about these things. They are minor things. As Dr. T asked, 'How do you feel when you're in a bra? That's the important thing.' And I feel fine in a bra, normal. I think I might even feel fine in a swim suit. I don't think about the surgery much anymore except at night, when I'm putting cocoa butter on my scars and marveling at how maimed I look. The thought of another surgery is pretty unpalatable to me at this point.

On the other hand, this was a lot to go through for a less-than-perfect end result. Not that the end result was ever going to be perfect, but in a way I feel like what is one more minor surgery in the large scheme of things? After all of this, if my nipples could be even, why wouldn't I want them to be? And since I met my out of pocket maximum with my first surgery, anything I do between now and December 31st is 'free.' Dr. T said this is why he never travels in December - besides the fact that with his kids' soccer schedules, he and his wife never have time to travel for anything other than soccer tournaments.

Dr. T didn't push more surgery on me. We talked about how I am tired of surgery and how my husband is tired of taking care of me and thinks I look fine, and he totally understood. He did say that it would be very minor, outpatient, and we could even do it in the surgery center at the clinic. I wouldn't even have to go to University Hospital. He would just take a little tissue out of my foob, and transplant some fat to the area around my rib to make it softer. 'Your husband just has to drive you, that's all,' he said with a grin. 'It will take me an hour and a half.' In the end, he told me to think about it, talk to my husband, and let him know. Then he added, 'You have my e-mail, and my cell number. E-mail me, call me, whatever.'

In the meantime, Dr. T said I should start massaging my abdominal scar to try to break up some of the scar tissue. He said that I could start stretching my abdomen, but that he still didn't want me doing any exercises like sit-ups until 12 weeks post-op. However, my incisions are completely healed, so it's okay for me to go swimming. (I had asked him about swimming, but didn't tell him I really just want to sit in the hot tub. Same diff. LOL.)

After he left the room, I took forever getting dressed, because of the hangover, and because I had to psych myself up for a 60-mile drive through lots o' traffic. So I was embarrassed when I came out of the room and found that Dr. T was waiting for me. He came down the hall with his laptop and said, 'Wait! I wanted to show you this video.' It was a video of him reattaching blood vessels during surgery - not mine, but, 'It's the exact same thing I did during your surgery.' I had to admit that I had already seen how it was done on a video of a DIEP reconstruction that I watched on OR Live, but it was cute that he wanted to show me. And it is honestly quite mind-boggling, all of it. And when I see in graphic detail everything that my body has been through, I'm in awe of the surgeons who have the ability to do this, and I'm in awe of my body's ability to heal itself.

So.

I am leaning toward just doing one final surgery, but... I don't know. It's sort of like it was with my hip surgery - in the end, I decided to do it because I didn't think I could live with my hip the way it was for the rest of my life. I am satisfied right now, but what if I change my mind in a few years? I should just do it now, while I'm at it. At the same time, five surgeries. FIVE SURGERIES, people! Jesus H, when is enough enough? Ugh.

I'm so tired of making all these damn decisions. Seriously, my parents and brothers are trying to make plans for all of us to meet the week after Christmas, because we were supposed to meet over the summer and didn't because of all this cancer shit. My brother keeps asking for input on where we want to meet, where we want to stay, etc., and I'm like JUST TELL ME WHERE TO BE AND WHEN! Ahhhhhh!

What should I do? Someone just tell me, please.