10 Days and Going Strong (14 Weeks + 6 Days)

Despite the less-than-awesome news on the DVT front, my hip continues to feel really good. Considering I had been feeling good for a few days before my last visit to the orthopedist, I'm estimating that I've been feeling good for about ten days now. (But who's counting?) Today, I had one instance where I could feel the sharp pains trying to return for about five steps while taking my daughter shoe shopping, but... they went away.

I've been trying to think of the reasons I've been feeling so good, not so much because I care WHY I feel good, but because so far, every time I start to feel good it has been short-lived. So just in case the pain returns, here are some possible explanations for why I feel so good right now.

1. Maybe I'm finally healing. Obviously this would be the best option. :)
2. I stopped doing PT. I haven't been to PT in almost two weeks. And... I hate to say it, but not doing PT has helped way more than all the things I've tried in PT over the past two months or so, including the beloved massages. Granted, this could just be a coincidence if #1 is the case (fingers crossed), but nonetheless, I'm not missing PT at all. 
3. I started to take meloxicam in the morning instead of the night. Apparently dizziness is a possible side effect of meloxicam, so I was worried about the side effects it would have on me if I took it in the morning. Once I started taking it at night, I just never got out of that cycle until my orthopedist recommended taking it in the morning. Again, this could just be coincidence if #1 is the case (fingers crossed).
4. I never sleep on my left side without lying on a pillow. Every since my non-operated side started hurting, sleeping on my side has made it worse. Unfortunately, I often roll onto my side in my sleep and wake up this way. I used an extra pillow on and off since surgery, but lately I've been vigilant about making sure my extra pillow is in place before I fall asleep. This makes my sleeping situation look fairly ridiculous, since I also sleep with my right leg on a huge pillow. (Even if the DVT goes away, I think I'm going to have a hard time sleeping without the pillow.) However, it is good protection against my son, who has been coming into our room in the early morning and crawling in bed with us. It defines my territory. :)
5. I stopped stressing about the pain.
6. I've been much happier at work. Combined with #5, my mental state has been much better than it has been in the past.

At night, I continue to ice and stretch both hips religiously, and I'm thrilled this is keeping the pain away. Before, when I did this, I feel like it just got me back to my baseline after my pain increased to unacceptable levels during the day. I hope this means I've busted up this ridiculous pain cycle I seem to have been stuck in for the past two months. 

I know every time I post something like this, I have to post something a few days later retracting it. But since this is the longest stretch of time that I've gone with very little pain, I can only hope it's different this time. Hope is never a bad thing. :)

Blood Clots and Fried Green Tomatoes (14 Weeks + 1 Day)

I'm not going to lie, I'm not in the greatest mood right now. Although, I did just eat, so hopefully my mood will improve by the time I'm finished with this. :)

Anyway, I just got back from my 'stat' ultrasound, and as you may have guessed, it's not exactly the news I was hoping for. Apparently it's business blood clots as usual. I mean, I understand this might be something I have to deal with for six months or a year or even a lifetime in a worst case scenario, but I feel so much better than I did before, so I had imagined some major improvement in my situation. The tech did say it looked as if things had cleared up a little, but I can't rule out the possibility she was saying that just to make me feel better and to make herself feel better by not being the bearer of bad news. After all, none of this was an official diagnosis.

Apparently the back of my knee is still very clotted, which I hate to say I sort of knew, on some level. When my orthopedist did his blood clot test, which we know he sucks at and does not work on me, I didn't even try to exaggerate because I knew I was getting an ultrasound, which would tell the objective truth. (Plus, it really didn't hurt much at all.) However, then I reminded him that my blood clot went all the way up my thigh, too. So then he pushed on the back of my knee and asked if that hurt and I reflexively responded, 'OUCH! That does hurt!' He seemed somewhat taken aback, because I never scream like that. I was actually somewhat surprised myself by how much it hurt, but I guess my hope was that the pain was just from residual swelling. Ahhhh, denial.

In other news:

• My husband made crepes for breakfast this morning, and they were awful, or at least mine was. This is weird because he's quite a proficient (and pretty awesome) crepe-maker normally. The kids didn't complain, although they are not discriminating. Perhaps I just got the part of the batter that was not mixed well. At any rate, I could NOT eat my crepe and had to throw it away after my husband left to take my daughter to school.
• By around 10:45, I was starving, especially as my colleagues started warming up their lunches in the microwave, and all the yummy smells of frozen TV dinners wafted into my office. LOL.
• I left around 11:15 for my 11:45 check-in and 12:00 appointment, which was stupid. I'm so used to going to PT and to my orthopedist, which really is a good 30-40 minutes away, office to office. However, I quickly realized that the imaging place was actually only about five minutes from the university. Oops.
• I ran a quick errand and still arrived somewhat early. I got checked in immediately and then sat... and sat... and sat some more. I knew I was early, but eventually I checked the time and it was 12:23. 
• Eventually, I went in for the ultrasound and immediately saw the reason for the delay: it was a new tech. I was a little bummed out by this because the tech who did my last ultrasound was fabulous - very competent and readily shared information with me. Plus, you figure it's never a bad thing for a repeat ultrasound to be done by the same person. Fortunately, the new tech was being trained by the tech who did my original ultrasound, who remembered me from the last time. And since she was talking the new tech through the whole procedure, I sort of figured out what they were doing. (FYI: If they stop and take a picture and use their little tool to draw a line across a black circle, it's a blood clot. I know you were dying to know that, ha ha.)
• At any rate, the new tech was (understandably) sloooooooow, and the ultrasound took foreeeeeever, and I didn't get home until after 1:00, at which point I was very hungry and very grouchy.
• When I got home, I made fried green tomatoes, which I don't even really know to make. My husband erroneously told me it was going to freeze last night, so I went out and picked a bunch of tomatoes. It did not freeze, and now I have a bunch of green tomatoes in my kitchen. And since I've rarely met a fried food I couldn't eat, I figured what the heck. They weren't bad considering my total lack of direction.

And now... I am still somewhat grouchy, but at least not hungry anymore. :)

14 Weeks and Feeling Hopeful

It is hard to believe that I am 14 weeks post-surgery, but yet, here we are.

I am feeling really good right now. I don't even want to write this, because the last time I wrote that I was feeling great and speculated that I had finally turned the corner, my pain returned with a vengeance. However, I'm not actually that superstitious, so I'll just say it: I'm feeling really good right now! And even if my pain returns an hour after I write this, I'm still feeling good right now!

I mentioned that when I met with my orthopedist on Friday, he wrote orders for me to have a follow-up ultrasound for my DVT. I called right away to schedule it, because I am anxious about this, and I knew it might take a while to get an appointment given my fairly tight schedule. The imaging place had not received my orders yet, but since I had a copy of the orders, I was able to schedule an appointment anyway. I noticed as I was reading the orders that they just called for imaging of my calf and 'popliteal' (back of the knee), even though my original blood clot was also in my thigh. I immediately shot off an e-mail to my surgeon to make sure I could also get an ultrasound of my femoral vein and to make sure he had changed the orders (if necessary) before Friday.

Today, when I got out of class, I had a message on my cell phone (plus two messages on my home answering machine, which I discovered when I got home - WTF?). It was the imaging place, telling me to call them back immediately. Of course when I did, they asked how they could help me, and I was like... I don't know, YOU called ME. LOL. It turns out the orders were 'stat,' which apparently means my doctor wants the ultrasound ASAP. Honestly, I was fine doing it on Friday, which I tried to tell the woman on the phone, but apparently she was afraid I would die before Friday and they would get sued, so I agreed to go in tomorrow. Ha. I had to actually tell her that no, I could NOT go in today, and I was certain I'd be fine for a few more days. This is in stark contrast to when I called on Friday and basically had to fight to get an appointment for the following Friday. But really... what is a few more days in the large scheme of things? I mean, I'm sort of anxious about this, but it's not as I'm dyyyyyyiiiiiiiing.

At any rate, I am feeling hopeful. Although I know I still have swelling in my leg, it feels so much better than it did at the beginning of this ordeal. And unlike my hip pain, which comes and goes, my leg pain is consistently non-existent, except for when I squat down. I would love to be able to put this hiccup behind me. I realize that a clear ultrasound doesn't guarantee anything, but at the same time, it is a baby step, which seems to be what I'm resigned to these days. :)

It doesn't help that I was watching TV last night and an ad came on from one of those ambulance-chasing personal injury law firms. It started off: 'HAVE YOU OR A LOVED ONE TAKEN THE DRUG XARELTO AND SUFFERED FROM ANY OF THE FOLLOWING?' It then went on to explain all the horrible things that had happened to people taking Xarelto and urged us to contact them if we were interested in receiving compensation for our suffering. Needless to say, that didn't exactly inspire confidence, especially knowing that Xarelto is a relatively new drug and there aren't many (any?) data on its long-term safety.

Personally, aside from my initial bleeding, which could have happened on any anti-coagulant, I seem to have tolerated Xarelto fairly well. Nonetheless, I am anxious to be off of it, or to at least know I won't have to be a life-long taker of anticoagulants. Of course, almost every source I've read suggests being on an anticoagulant for a minimum of three months, and probably closer to six months considering the extent of my DVT. Regardless, having a clear ultrasound, or at least one showing improvement, would still give me a tremendous peace of mind.

Here's to hoping!

Let it Go (13 Weeks + 4 Days)

For no particular reason, I'm having a good day. In fact, I saw my orthopedist this morning, and basically he was not helpful at all, yet I'm feeling a lot happier than I have in a while. Maybe it is the residual effects of book club, which seems to buoy my mood. Or maybe my orthopedist was more helpful than I give him credit for.

For one, he seemed much less rushed than usual, and took the time to really talk. So while I did tell him I had been feeling better over the past few days, I mentioned that I had clusters of good days and bad days, just like I did before the surgery. He seemed cautiously optimistic about the good days and did not dismiss the bad days. We then talked about various things.

• I explained the motions that really hurt - the combination of flexing my thigh and then putting weight down on it, which occurs when I walk and especially up and even down stairs. He asked if I could ride a bike and I said riding a bike was fine; it definitely seems to be weight-bearing that hurts. He said it was a good sign that riding a bike was okay, but quickly added, 'But I understand that walking is pretty important.' LOL. 
• I mentioned that the pain usually got progressively worse and was always the worst at the end of the day, especially the days when I teach. I finish my last class at 1:30, then mostly sit in my office for the rest of the afternoon. It's when I get up to go home that the pain is the worst - walking down endless flights of stairs to go to my car. He asked, 'What about when you get home?' I told him that when I get home, I lie on the couch and cover myself with ice and drink beer, which isn't exactly true, but he thought that was pretty funny. Ahhhh, yes, self-medication!
• Since he seemed to be in listening mode, I also told him that I had gone hiking a few weeks ago and had felt great and really thought I was getting better. Unfortunately, the pain returned after the weekend and after a day of work, and I told him AJ's theory of work being the problem. He did note that it was interesting that the pain came back so long after the actual hiking.
  
• He did a few tests and said that my strength was good and that I seemed to have full strength in my hip, so he didn't feel that it was a question of needing to strengthen anything. He also said that my range of motion without pain was much better than the last time, and that it did not appear that I had re-torn my labrum. I supposedly passed the labral impingement test, but we know how that goes.
• Speaking of which... he also repeated his blood clot test on me (Homan's test) although I don't trust him at all on that one! Fortunately, he ordered a repeat ultrasound so we can see where we stand with my DVT without having to rely on his examination skills (or lack thereof). I did tell him that while my leg was definitely better, I still had some pain when I tried to squat down. I told him I realized this when I tried to put air in my tires the other day, and I ended up crawling around on my hands and knees in front of the gas station.

Other interesting tidbits:

• While he was examining me, he asked how classes were going. (I'm always amazed he remembers that I teach.) I told him they were going well. He asked if it was midterm time yet, which is interesting, because I feel like a lot of people have asked me that recently, and I don't know anyone in my department who gives 'midterms' - a pretty standard biology course is three or four exams and a final. I told him I don't really give a 'midterm,' but the class had just had their first exam. He asked how they did and I said they did pretty well, that the average was around a 70%. His jaw dropped. Then he asked if I scaled that up at all. I said no, 70% was actually a pretty good average for the first test. He just stared at me with his mouth open, so I added that a lot of people score in the 30s and 40s, which has to mean they aren't even trying, so I never scale up based on the average. I added that I do bump up grades on occasion if I don't have enough As; I like to have at least 10% of the class have an A. He kept staring at me and said, '10%?!' Then he declared, 'I'm glad I didn't have you for biology - I might not be a doctor now!' HA HA! (Have I mentioned that I really value sense of humor?)
• Before I saw the doctor, I asked the medical assistant if I could get a copy of the surgery report. I added that I knew it was sort of awkward, but I felt like I might have to see a different doctor at some point and would like to have the report. She was understanding. She said she would print it off for me, but then she never came back. After I saw the doctor, I thought she might come back in with the orders for the ultrasound, and hoped I could ask her then, but unfortunately the doctor came back in himself with the orders, which meant that I had to ask him for the surgery report. I could have just ditched the idea at that point, especially since I felt like the visit went well, but. But. But. I asked him for the report and it ended up being fine, but... eh. On an amusing side note, I had to laugh at the very first sentence, This is a very pleasant 39-year-old female... Me? Pleasant? Even very pleasant? Did he just add that in there before giving me a copy? I didn't know they put notes about your personality in surgery reports. Besides, aren't most people pleasant when they are anesthetized? LOL.

So after all this... my doctor seemed a little stumped, just like I am. As he said, physical therapy doesn't seem to be helping and the cortisone injection didn't help, either. He contemplated the situation for a good while and then said, 'I'm thinking we should just... maybe... give it a rest.' I immediately understood, and agreed. Let it go. While this isn't exactly helpful, it sort of is. I was thinking about this before my appointment: What exactly is it that I want my doctor to say or do that would satisfy me? Yes, I suppose he could order more X-rays or another MRI, but I'm not sure that's really what I want right now. I sort of just want a break. I think this is what I was getting at about a week ago, when I wrote about just trying to accept my pain for what it is, and stop stressing about it so much. That actually helped me a little. And hearing this from my doctor validates it a little more.

It felt different than the other times when he just told me I needed more time. He didn't say that I was going to be fine, he just suggested trying to take it easy for a month, and after a month we would see where we were and re-evaluate. It is sort of ironic that not hearing him tell me that I was going to be fine made me feel better. I guess that made me feel like he was listening more carefully than before. He did say his usual hope was to have people back to normal after three months but that, of course, everyone is different.

So the plan is:

• Stop PT. Overall, it's just not helping and seems to be making everyone frustrated. (I stopped by the PT room after my appointment and both AJ and Beth agreed this might be a good thing.)
• Continue non-weight bearing or minimally weight-bearing activities that do not hurt, such as a stationary bike or elliptical. I'll have to work on this one - perhaps carve out some time to go to the Y.
• Continue taking meloxicam. It is probably helping a little bit, even if I don't notice any obvious benefits. He also suggested taking it in the morning, which I haven't been doing because I'm afraid of the side effects making me goofy. However, I've been taking it long enough now that I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me goofy.
• Get an ultrasound on my leg (which I scheduled for next Friday) and try to get off Xarelto sometime in the near future if the blood clot has resolved (fingers crossed).
• Avoid activities that cause pain. This is hard when walking is one of those things, but fortunately he did not mention the 'c' word. He did recommend perhaps not hiking for a while though. Ha. I need to try getting rest when I can to give my hip a chance to calm down. It's not as if I need bed rest or to go back to crutches, but... I just generally need to try to take it easy.

I'm surprisingly okay with this plan. I also feel as if somehow, in all of this, I was able to let go of some of my anger. I've been feeling a lot of frustration toward my orthopedist over the past few months, and I don't like feeling that way. I felt like he redeemed himself today, and I'm happy to be able to let go of my anger towards him. He truly is a super nice guy, and I do believe that he's trying to help me in the best way he knows how. He seemed concerned today, and ironically, that has renewed my faith in him.

So... onward.

Book Club Redux (13 Weeks + 3 Days)

I've mentioned that I'm in a book club, and I really look forward to my monthly book club meetings with fellow working moms, who also look forward to this one night a month where putting the kids to bed becomes the sole responsibility of the dad. As someone tonight said, 'It's really more like a drinking club with a book problem.' LOL.

Somehow book club seems to have fallen into the same schedule as my visits with the orthopedist: book club on Thursday night, orthopedist on Friday. At the last book club, I was also anticipating a meeting with my orthopedist the following day. Looking back, I think I've improved somewhat since the last book club. In fact, I'm having a fairly good hip week, and I'm sort of torn as to how to go about with my appointment tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm happy that I've been feeling better for the past few days. On the other hand, the few minutes that I get with my orthopedist every now and then are few and far between, and I feel like he should know about the horrendous pain I've been having for the past three weeks. I realize that perhaps I could actually be getting better (which would be awesome), but... what if I'm not? What if I'm just having a good few days, the same way I was having a good day when I saw him two weeks post surgery and he failed to diagnose my blood clot because I was having a good day?

I feel as if I tell my orthopedist that I've been feeling better, that is all he will hear. He will just take that as a sign that I'm getting better, and that will be the end of it. And while I HOPE that's the case, I don't want to waste my precious minutes (especially at approximately $80/minute) on him telling me that everything is going to be just fine.

Ah, dilemmas.

Baby Steps (12 Weeks + 4 Days)

So back to more practical matters.

Ever since the semester started, I've only been able to make it to PT once a week, even though my orthopedist was still recommending twice a week at my last visit. Honestly, I could make twice a week work, but with my old PT, AJ, it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth the time or the money. Also, back in August, I mentioned to AJ that I would be cutting back to once a week once the semester started and he thought that was fine. At the time, he said I was doing great, and he actually thought that pretty soon I wouldn't need to come in at all.

Ha.

Several weeks ago, I wrote about how AJ broke up with me. For the past few weeks, I have been seeing Beth, who, despite being 'just' a PTA, is, like, 100x better than AJ. Okay so maybe not 100x, but at least 2 or 3 and maybe even 10. She's just a lot more hands on than AJ, which has actually been pretty helpful. At least, I leave PT with a sense of accomplishment rather than a feeling of extreme depression. I left PT yesterday feeling positive enough about PT that I actually made two appointments for next week.

Something I haven't discussed a lot recently is the pain in my left hip (the non-operated side). This is mostly because I sort of totally can't deal with this right now, so I've tried to block it out. Unfortunately, the pain has recently become un-ignorable because it is preventing me from comfortably sleeping on my left side, and since I can't sleep on my right side, either, this has led to a lot of sleepless nights, which reeeeaaaalllly gets to me. I can't stand not getting enough sleep - although it happens frequently, which probably goes a long way toward explaining my bad personality, lol. 

After a consultation with Dr. Google, I diagnosed myself with bursitis. (This doesn't take a rocket scientist.) And honestly, it doesn't seem to matter what any of any of this is, as non-surgical options for most conditions are the same: rest and ice. (And trust me, I'm 110% anti-surgery at this point.) Unfortunately, 'rest' in a lot of cases means crutches, just like AJ suggested, but let's not go there right now. However, one recommendation for bursitis is a cortisone injection into the bursa - LOL, sound familiar? The up side to this is that it is both diagnostic and therapeutic, just like a cortisone injection into the hip. If it takes away the pain, you know what you're dealing with; if it doesn't help, you can eliminate bursitis as a cause of pain. The down side is, of course, that as I've learned from experience, cortisone injections hurt like fucking hell and are also pretty pricey. Plus, the more I read about cortisone, the more I'm convinced that it's got to be really bad for you or at least not good for you, especially if you use it a lot; after all, it's a steroid. So I wasn't exactly jazzed about a cortisone injection; nonetheless, my left hip has become quite painful and I realize I will have to deal with it at some point.

Yesterday I mentioned to Beth that my left hip hurt quite a bit. She massaged it for a while and suggested that we try a cortisone patch, which basically delivers cortisone to a site without the need for an injection. Instead, the cortisone is delivered via iontophoresis, which is driven by a small battery in the patch. (I looked all of this up after the fact.) Although I've used patches for back pain before (which I'm pretty sure were just numbing/painkilling medications), the idea of the cortisone patch was new to me, and sort of exciting. A cortisone shot without the shot!

And... I have to say... two thumbs up for the cortisone patch. My left hip feels so much better today, I can't even tell you. The sort of funny thing is that I woke up and was like OMG my hip feels amazing! only to realize that my groin area was killing me. It was as if the pain just moved from my bursa into my groin. LOL. However, after a day full of activity, I'm pretty sure the current pain is actually just soreness from all the stuff I did in PT yesterday.

Beth also suggested trying a patch on my right side, and I figured why not. After all, what is one more dose of steroids in the large scheme of things? And as long as it doesn't involve a needle, it seems relatively free of risk. Basically the patch didn't do anything for my right side, but that is at least good information. So it's likely not bursitis on my right side. And actually, at my last appointment with my orthopedist, he did 'check' for bursitis, and he concluded that bursitis was not the problem. I say 'check' in quotes, because I have little faith in his physical examination skills, but I at least agree with him now. :) Unfortunately, when it comes to my right side, crossing bursitis off the list leaves me with much less palatable possibilities, which, in accordance with my last post, I am not going to worry about for the time being. I'm just happy to have some relief in my left hip.

Baby steps, baby steps. :)

Embrace your Pain (12 Weeks + 3 Days)

J'embrasse mon rival mais c'est pour l'étouffer.

(I embrace my rival, but it is to strangle him.)

Jean Racine (1639-1699)

* * * * *

One time in college, I set out to make an inspirational poster for one of my teammates. This was pre-Internet era, so inspirational quotes were not a Google stop away. I had two books of quotes, one of which was full of quotations from only French authors. Flipping through the book, I found the quote above. It didn't quite work for inspiring better diving, so after a lot of 'fiddling,' I finally came up with: Embrace your fears, and you will strangle them.

It is like our diving coach used to tell us: It is okay to have butterflies, you just have to make them fly in formation. 

I was once an accomplished athlete. My main sports were gymnastics, and later diving, both of which involve a significant amount of fear. I could have been so much better than I was, but unfortunately, fear always got the best of me. My physical abilities were always ten steps ahead of my mental abilities. The thing is that fear and anxiety are a cycle, just like pain is a cycle. Looking back, I think that I sometimes feared the horrible feeling of fear itself rather than the actual dive. I detested that feeling of shaking legs and standing on the end of the diving board full of self doubts, wondering if I actually had it in me to throw myself off the board, do two and a half flips, and override all human instinct and land on my head. When I managed to put these thoughts out of my head, the dive itself wasn't ever difficult for me.

With my current hip ordeal, I've been told I need to break the pain cycle, and I've tried so many things to do this. So far, these things haven't worked. Now I think I need to break the cycle of fear and anxiety and stress. I realized recently that my stress about my pain is worse than the pain itself, just as my fear of doing a back 2 1/2 in diving was worse than the worst thing that ever happened to me from actually doing it. I need a break from the stress. I need a break from worrying about the pain and a break from my constant appointments with Dr. Google and a break from wondering what is wrong with me and why I'm not better and why surgery didn't work and... and... and...

I have an appointment with my orthopedist next Friday, a week from tomorrow. Until then, I'm just going to accept the pain for what it is and do the best that I can with it. Because at this point, it is the stress about my pain that is killing me, not the pain itself. I am tough. I can deal with physical pain. It's the mental stuff that has always gotten the best of me. So I need to tend to the mental part of this.

Embrace your pain and you will strangle it.