The day started out in typical fashion with me waking up, getting coffee, and attempting to log onto my computer, only to discover that it was on the fritz. I won't bore you with the technical details, but basically the screen was blinking incessantly, to the extent that I couldn't even shut the computer off to restart it to see if it was a fluke. I had to actually turn it off by using the power button (imagine that), but that didn't help. After three restarts, my computer was still acting like a bipolar in manic mode. So after getting my daughter dropped off at summer camp and my son dropped off at daycare, I went up to work and went by the IT department on my way to my office. The way my computer was behaving screamed VIRUS to me, so I figured it might be a quick fix. Except it wasn't. And there was no fixing to be done. (Now is a good time to let you know that I am basically computer illiterate, so if I say shit that doesn't make sense, I apologize.)
Three hours later, I left with a computer that only works in safe mode (but hey, I can still blog from it!) and a prescription for a new computer. Three hours. And I sat there the whole time and watched the guy work for three hours straight, so he was really working on it for three hours. It turns out the tech was one of my former students, so maybe that's why my computer got all-star treatment, but hey, that's better than my computer getting on the fast track to organ donation, because I have plenty of former students who would have gone that route. LOL. The weird thing is that I don't use our tech support very much, so I wasn't even sure if they even fix personal computers. I mean, they should, because I use my personal computer for work 90% of the time I'm using it, and the only reason I don't pursue getting a laptop through the university is because then I would worry about blogging from it. And, when I come out with my best-selling book about breast cancer, bad hips, and DVT, I don't want the university to have any rights to the millions of dollars I am going to make off of it, hahaha.
I was kind of surprised that when I took my computer in, they never asked me to fill out any paperwork or verify that I was indeed part of the university or anything. I mean, heck, I could have just wandered in off the street, but I guess they knew who I was. I realized this later, when I received a couple e-mails through my university e-mail, detailing the condition of my computer and asking me to fill out a survey about the service they had provided, even though I never filled out any paperwork or anything. Ummmm, creepy? Or good? The creepy thing is that the login for my computer is my hotmail account, and every time the tech had to reboot my computer, which was many times over the course of three hours, he had to ask me to re-log in. Eventually I just gave him my password so he could do it himself. I mean geez. But then tonight, I got paranoid and Googled myself based my hotmail account... and yeah. Let me just say that if you have a public blog, and at one point I left a comment about drinking too much or how ultrasounds of unborn babies are creepy, I may have deleted those comments. Don't take it personally.
At any rate, since it was a personal computer, I wasn't allowed to leave it and come back later. (Bureaucracy, gotta love it.) So I stayed. And of course, I had no idea it would be three hours. I include this detail because it was actually sort of interesting to watch the IT help desk in action; it was much like watching a medical team in action, only with much less at stake. I can attest to the fact that the techs really did try very hard to save my computer, and these techs were quite competent and knowledgeable people. IT help, sort of like medicine, is pretty hit or miss. I know that a lot of tech-y types live by the mantra of Your failure to plan does not constitute an emergency on my part, which I get. Really, I do. At the same time, for faculty at a university, there is tremendous pressure to use technology in our teaching, and many of us are not trained in this sort of thing, nor do we receive regular opportunities for training in this sort of thing (though it is getting better). So our emergencies are often not our own failure to plan, but failure of the system to make sure we don't have emergencies in the first place, by educating us. So yeah, if I were computer literate, I wouldn't have these emergencies. But then half of you wouldn't have a job, the same way probably half of health care workers in emergency medicine wouldn't have jobs if people received more regular care for their conditions. So deal with it! And fortunately, they did, because I was most definitely not in the mood for any shit today.
Anyway, apparently the graphics driver on my computer is dying. I think it has been faulty from the get-go, but that is a different story. The tech/my former student was very apologetic in telling me that it was a fixable condition, but that I would probably be better off just buying a new computer. So around 12:30, I finally headed up to my office to water my plants, get files off my work computer, and re-connect with some of my colleagues. (Interestingly, one of them just had surgery to fix a torn labrum.) At this point, I am planning to teach my pre-term class, so that is good news, I think.
Around 2:30, I left to head off to Best Buy to get a new computer. This really isn't the way I had planned for my day to unfold, and dealing with the dead computer added a whole dimension of stress to my life that I realize probably sounds trivial, but was still RIDICULOUSLY ANNOYING. I'm sure you can all relate to the stressfulness of a dead/dying computer, but it was even more ridiculously annoying considering all of the other technology fails I've had in the past month, which I have not written about because I really try to keep my bitching to a minimum, and reading about washers and phones that don't work is some boring shit. As I texted a friend, if it is appliances that keep dying on me, I guess I should be happy with that. But at the same time, I sort of feel like, geez, could I catch a fucking break?! Yes, I know it could be much worse, but it could also be better!
Around 4:30, I was still messing around with various laptops in Best Buy, and trying to eke out information from the ridiculously unhelpful 'customer service' guys. I had been texting back and forth with a friend I was thinking of hooking up with this afternoon, before my computer emergency, and with my husband, about dinner plans, and whether he could pick the kids up. So when my phone rang right after I'd finally managed to get some real help, I figured it was either my friend or my husband, only it wasn't, it was Dr. T. Even though I knew it was him, because I programmed him into my cell phone after our chat on Monday, I must have sounded really pissy when I answered, because after asking for Waning (he remembered I don't like to go by Ms. Moon), he said, 'I'm sorry to bother you.' Haha, yes, how inconvenient that you called me!
Let me just say that Best Buy is not the greatest place to have a Cancer Conversation, and especially not after you've just expressed annoyance that after over an hour, no one is really helping you, so someone finally does, and then your cell phone rings, and you act all high and mighty and say, 'Sorry, but this is really important.' It was so bad that at one point I apologized to Dr. T, saying that I was at the store buying a new computer, and it was really loud. So then, because he is awesome, he asked me what type of computer I was buying, and I told him a Lenovo, to which he responded Oh, in a disappointed voice, sort of as if he knew something I didn't. So then I was like Are they bad?! Because I haven't bought it yet! (and I've never had one before, but I have had a Dell, HP, and Toshiba, all of which sucked) and he was like, No! I just really like Macs. So I told him I had tried to be a Mac lover, but even after personal tutoring and group therapy, I hate Macs, and he was like oh, okay. LOL. I guess it's like implants; it's a personal preference. :) (And, by the way, I'm kidding about group therapy.)
Anyway. I think I heard/understood/absorbed about 50% of what he told me, but the bottom line is that he's not okay proceeding with this surgery until I get my blood completely checked out, by a hematologist of his choosing - 'one of the best anti-coagulant hematologists there is.' As he said, 'I just really don't want you to get another blood clot.' Dr. T said he had been e-mailing back and forth with his colleague about my case and that the final conclusion was that I need to have a full work up, but 'I think we can do this before your surgery.' I think. Not, We can do it, like he said at my first appointment with him. Sigh. And, of course, there's always the 'What if?' factor. If I'm okay, and I don't have a clotting disorder or any other factor that puts me more at risk than average, he thinks we can get an all-clear before August 26th. But what if I don't get an all-clear? What then? We didn't discuss this.
And again, I'm grateful he is being thorough, and I have to admit that I am curious, after all these years, to get a more precise explanation of my condition and its possible significance. As Dr. T told me, 'I'm just uncomfortable that you got this diagnosis with no details.' Honestly, it's something that has been given so little attention throughout the years that I almost stopped putting it down when I filled out medical history forms (especially since there is no specific question about it; I have to put it in 'other'). In fact, I could have easily forgotten about it or convinced myself that it was something that I had made up, except that when my son was born, someone (can't remember who) told me, 'We discovered he has something called hemoglobin E.' That person was about to explain to me what hemoglobin E was when I said I knew what it was because I had it. And that was that.
Of course, I don't want to have a blood clot during this surgery. If I did, the best case scenario would be that the flap transplant wouldn't work, and it would all be a waste. The worst case scenario would be that I have a pulmonary embolism or stroke, and become a brain-dead vegetable. Or I could die. But the former would be worse, in my opinion. So I appreciate the precautions. (On a side note, I wonder how much plastic surgeons pay for malpractice insurance. I bet it's a lot.) However, now I am at a point where the fact that this might not be possible for me is a reality, and UGH, that is just a low I cannot handle right now, especially not after the high I've been on.
So while I'm still praying for the best, I'm not feeling as hopeful as I was earlier in the week. And one way or another, these next five weeks are not going to play out as I planned, and will be filled with a lot of uncertainty. If it all works out in the end, it will be okay, but if it doesn't, well... I don't even want to go there.
No comments:
Post a Comment