Save the Date

August 26th.

Just as I was deciding that today's entry would be about how I am BURSTING with impatience, I got a phone call from UH telling me that they were finally able to schedule my mastectomy. For August 26th. WTF?! That is sooooo long to wait! And now, even though I have a date, I am still BURSTING with impatience! And I do not want to sound ungrateful, but Jesus, that is a long time to wait.

The guy who called me was very apologetic and said he understood it was a long time to wait, but 'scheduling three surgeons is difficult,' and this was truly the earliest they could do it unless there is a cancellation. And I'm guessing the cancellation rate for cancer-related and/or reconstructive surgery isn't that high. UGH!

But, I'm going to try to look at the positive side of this. I mean, really, despite my impatience, I'm not exactly dying to have my boob cut off. So in reality, the only negative thing is that I am BURSTING with impatience and want this over with. Also, it changes the tentative plans I had made with my department, which were greatly helping my angst. Now we have to revise all those plans, which will not help my angst. I'll get over it, though.

The positives:

1. I was scheduled to teach a pre-term one-week intensive course August 12-18 that I didn't think I would be able to teach, but that I may be able to now. I'm still working this out with my Chair, who already has a commitment from someone to step in. Honestly, if I could teach this course, it would be a good distraction, and give me something to do for a few weeks. It has been so long since I've taught it - I couldn't teach it last fall because of my hip/DVT issues - that I'd need at least a solid week of prep time. I think this would be good for me in that it would give me something to do other than read blogs about breast cancer all day. Because I have summers off, my summer has been consumed by cancer, which is not a good thing. 
2. Regardless, work-wise, this gives me time to get my shit together pre-mastectomy, so that when I return mid-semester, I'm not scrambling.
3. It gives me over a month to try to gain some weight. Of course, it also gives me a month to lose weight. Unfortunately, I am a person who loses, not gains, weight when I am stressed. I think I wrote earlier that the only positive thing about my diagnosis is that I stressed off about five pounds in the first few weeks. LOL. I will need to actually formulate a high-calorie diet plan and stick to it. While I never really worry about my weight, I'm not a tiny person. I do actually watch what I eat to maintain a weight around my ideal. I've been frustrated over the past year about not being able to walk a lot due to my hip pain, and the weight gain that has accompanied this loss of function, so I know I can gain weight. The key will be not just eating crap all the time - I still need to stick to eating a balanced diet and stay as active as I can, but I'll try to see planning out a high-calorie but nutritious diet as a fun challenge, knowing that I am feeding my future boob.
4. It gives me over a month to complete many of the projects that I've been wanting to do. Due to the nature of my job, I really don't get any major projects done during the school year, and I tend to save them all up for my long breaks. Obviously my major projects (most of which are of the home improvement variety) did not get done this summer. But now I have the time and the motivation for a few of them. At the top of the list is painting. Our house was a foreclosure, then was 'flipped,' so the entire house is generic, 'realtor' beige, and after three years, it drives. me. crazy. The only room I've painted is my daughter's (twice, actually), and I've been wanting to paint my son's. However, my own bedroom is now at the top of the list, as I figure I'll be spending a lot of time in it post-mastectomy, and really don't want to have to stare at such boring brown walls. It's definitely time for a face lift.
5. On a smaller scale, it also gives me time to REALLY prepare and get organized. I can do a bunch of cooking and freeze a bunch of meals, I can go back-to-school shopping with my daughter, I can buy birthday presents for my son (whose birthday is 8/22), I can sew pockets into my shirts so I don't have to spend $60 for a post-mastectomy shirt. Etc. Etc. Etc.
6. It gives me time to put together and execute my mastectomy 'bucket list' - for lack of a better term. Hopefully it's not a true bucket list, lol, but I do have a few overly indulgent, upper class extravagant things I want to do, just because I can (like getting a pedicure, which I've never had before!).
7. It gives me time to get some other affairs in order, so to speak. Not to be morbid, but I want to redo my will as well as do an advance directive. These are things everyone should do, even if they don't have cancer. After all, anyone can die at any time. My husband and I did do an official will after my daughter was born, but we haven't done one since my son was born, and it's just... a good idea. We had been talking about doing it even before all of this. And even without this, I'd want an advance directive. I think everyone in my life knows I do not wish to be kept alive if I am a brain-dead vegetable, but then again, you never know how difficult it might be to honor this if the time actually comes. Again, I'm not trying to be morbid; anyone can become a brain-dead vegetable at any time, but let's face it, with this complicated surgery, it does increase those odds significantly.
8. Before all of this bullshit, I had three major professional goals for myself over the summer: take a physiology course, become a registered EMT, and take the GRE. I'm toying with the idea of trying to do one of these before August 26th (one of the latter two), but I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, especially if #1 comes to fruition. This is more like a Plan B, if it turns out I don't teach my week-long course and am driving myself crazy with my incessant blog reading. All of these relate to my future professional goals, but needless to say, a new job/career change isn't at the top of my list right at the moment, especially considering how great my department has been about everything. I've already completed an EMT course and passed my practicals (barely), but to become a registered EMT in my state, I need to pass the national registry exam. This isn't a really hard thing, just one of those things you really do have to study for. If I took it tomorrow without reviewing, it's very likely I would fail. It's sort of the same situation with the GRE; I could take it tomorrow and do okay, but I'd do much, much better if I studied a little. It has been a long, long time since I've done standardized-test math (or really any math), and it never hurts to review the meaning of some of those esoteric terms no one ever uses. (Vocabulary is not my strong suit. I have friends who speak English as a third language who scored higher on the GRE English section than I did.)

So there you have it. 

Now, some prayers. These will appear at random times, because I decided it was too stressful and way too Type A to box myself into a set blog prayer schedule.

Blessings

• I'm very grateful to have a set date for my mastectomy. Even though it's not as early as I had hoped for, it's a relief to have a date I can plan around. I am a planner, and planning things helps relieve my anxiety. I used to be an avid listener of Dr. Laura (don't judge me... even though she would, lol), and whenever anyone referred to a fiancée or fiancé, the first thing she would ask is, 'Do you have a ring and a date?' because without a ring and a date, 'engagement' is non-committal. So while I don't have a ring, it is a blessing to have a date. :)
• Most of all, I'm grateful that this is not an urgent, life-or-death surgery. If you need a mastectomy, and doctors are rearranging their schedules and moving heaven and earth to fit you in ASAP, it means you aren't in good shape. So I'm thankful to have a prognosis that doctors don't see as something that needs to be done immediately. 

Hopes

• I still haven't heard back from Dr. T regarding my hemoglobin E and DVT issues. I'm praying very hard (pretty much on an hourly basis) that I am, in fact, a good candidate for DIEP reconstruction. But if not, I pray for the strength to handle what would be a definite low. 
• As crazy as it sounds, I'm praying for the health and safety of all of my surgeons. (That sounds like something a super religious person does, right?) Five weeks is a really long time, and even though I put my doctors on a pedestal next to God, they are real people despite having Godlike powers. I know Dr. T is going out of town the first week in August to go to a soccer tournament with his son. He could be in a plane crash or a car accident, or his son could be gravely injured and he might have to stay with him in the hospital. He could get sick. He could discover that he himself has cancer. So I pray everyone who is going to do this surgery, which is the answer to my own prayers, will remain safe and healthy and able to do this surgery to the best of their ability when the long-awaited day finally comes. 
• I pray that I will continue to be uplifted by the amazing support I've received from my friends. I love you all. :)

Let the countdown begin.