Blessings and Hopes

I enjoy reading, and in the past, I've underestimated the amount of reading  that I'll accomplish on a trip such as this one. For this trip, I brought two really long books, hoping it would be enough, and I actually haven't touched either one of them. Instead, my reading time consists of consulting Dr. Google about mastectomies and various reconstruction options, and reading various blogs I've stumbled upon. So many people have told me that they are happy I've been able to take this trip and 'get away' from everything. But the truth is there is no getting away from this. Not only does this disease, like any other, live inside me, but also... it is me. The cells that are doing this to me are my own. I have only myself to blame for this, which sucks. LOL.

There is so much I want to write right now, about the decisions that lie ahead, and the research I've done about the decisions that lie ahead, but all of that will reveal itself in due time. What is on my mind right now is something bigger than this, something upon which I believe my future well-being depends perhaps more than anything else, and that is my mental well-being.

There are many aspects to mental well-being, which is probably why mental illness, despite many amazing advances in medicine, remains poorly understood. Science and medicine have provided anti-anxiety medications, anti-depressants, and hormonal therapies, but these are only part of the puzzle. The rest of it, it seems, is up to individuals to solve for themselves.

I know right now that my future depends on me developing a positive state of mind, and I believe a large part of that will depend upon me tending to my spiritual self. I do not mean this with any sort of expectation that positive thinking or more praying will cure my cancer or any of that sort of nonsense. If you know me in real life, you probably know I am not an overly positive person, and that I am not religious. And even if you know me only by Internet, you probably know this. Heck, even if you're brand new here, I'm sure it's not hard to figure out that I'm not an overly positive person, and posts like this don't make it hard to figure out that not only am I not religious, I am also downright irreverent.

As someone who is happily not religious, it is nonetheless an interesting observation for me that many people who experience extreme circumstances or deal with intense medical problems, such as breast cancer, lean heavily on their religious beliefs to get them through. Even while directly engaged in a staring contest with death, these people believe it is God's will that they should die an agonizing death at too early an age, leaving behind widowers and young children who will never know their mother.

I get it, I really do. And I honestly wish I could believe the same; everything would be so much easier if I could give my life up to God. However, after decades of reflection, I can say with certainty that I do not and never will believe in a God who is looking out for me. I never have and never will believe in a divine reason for everything that happens. Of course all things happen for a reason, but sometimes that reason is that you just got extremely lucky, and sometimes that reason is that life is unfair, and you are just the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. A few years ago, a dear friend and her three daughters were killed in a horrific and practically unheard of freak accident, and nothing will ever convince me there could be a reason for this other than bad, horrible, terrible, ridiculously unfair luck. I do not believe in a God who grants miracles on a case-by-case personal basis. I do believe in miracles, however. Miracles are simply statistical improbabilities, not impossibilities. If there is a 0.01% chance that a person can be cured of something, it would be considered a miracle if she were. But 0.01% means that one person out of 10,000 can be cured. Someone has to be that one person; otherwise the chances would be 0%. So by definition, multiple miracles happen every day. Sometimes people get lucky and are the right person in the right place at the right time and are the recipient of a miracle. But I do not believe in a God who would grant one person a miracle and deny another. I never have and never will.

It might surprise you to know that despite all of this, I am a spiritual person. I know many religious people consider the self-description of 'not religious but spiritual' to be a cop-out, but I believe that I have lived my life with as strong of a moral compass as even my most devoutly religious friends, and that if I could have a sit-down dinner with Jesus, we would see eye-to-eye on many, many issues. That said, I believe that as I move forward toward my 'new normal,' an important component of my mental well-being is to be sure I am grounded spiritually. Undoubtedly, I've neglected this part of my life too much in the past, and this is my wake-up call. All things happen for a reason, after all. ;-)

Since I spent a lot of time writing about what I don't believe, I will now try to focus on what I do believe.

• I believe in a higher power, one that is greater than myself and my family, and all of humanity. I believe this power allows things to happen that we, as humans, cannot explain, whether good or bad. 
• I believe humans can achieve eternal life by living in a way that others will want live - by saying things others will remember, by doing things others will want to do, by sharing things they've learned throughout their own lives that others will continue to share. I believe this is how one's spirit continues to live. 
• Biologically, I am certain of immortality, because all living things from bacteria to fungi to plants to animals are made of the same molecules, and when we cease to function on an organismal level, our molecules are recycled and go on to create more life. We can appear in unlimited forms in unlimited numbers of lives for as long as Earth continues to exist. The carbon in our bodies may eventually turn into coal, being burned for energy, let off as carbon dioxide, taken into a plant, turned into sugar, and eventually incorporated into the creature that eats that plant. Or maybe we will take a more direct route, being decomposed by bacteria and fungi, who will use some of us for themselves, and return the rest of us to the soil, to find new life in a different form. I find great comfort in understanding the cycle of life, and am thankful for all the creatures who lived before me whose molecules create the cells that create me.
• I believe in the power of prayer. I know the word 'pray' has a lot of implications, but for lack of a better term, I will say that I pray regularly. I am not certain to whom I am praying - some of it is to that ambiguous higher power I described earlier, the one that doesn't watch out for people individually. Regardless, there is relief in talking to someone who will listen and revealing my most desperate hopes, however improbable. I believe that prayer, and collective prayer, can make a difference. I don't believe prayer can cure someone of an incurable disease, but I do believe it can give a person the strength to walk through that disease with dignity, and to give her immortality because of that dignity, and the wisdom that dignity allowed her to pass onto others. 

Growing up, my family used to pray before every meal. The prayer always began with thanking God for the food we were about to receive, and for all of our blessings. I can't remember if there were ever specific requests that followed, because by the time I was in high school, the prayer had definitely devolved into Thank-you-god-for-the-food-we-are-about-to-receieve-and-for-all-our-blessings-amen. For me, prayer has always been as much about giving thanks for what I do have - my blessings - as it has been for asking for what I do not have - my hopes.

So many of you who know me and know I'm not religious have been so kind in sending me your love and good thoughts, but I want you to know that I am okay with prayer. If you are a praying type, I would be honored to be in your prayers. If you are not a praying type, the love and good thoughts are awesome as well. I hope that by sharing what I've written above, you will realize this is not an OMG I have cancer, I better start believing in God and asking people to pray for me type of revelation. I do not believe in Heaven, so this is not a last-ditch effort to secure my entrance through the pearly gates, should things turn south. Likewise, I do not believe in Hell, so I am not afraid of burning in Hell. I am and always have been thankful for my friends who accept me as I am, cynical and irreverent, and hope that the diversity in the friends I have is a testament to the strength of the higher power I believe in. It is one that brings people together, not divides.

I'm going to start a new tradition here, one that I hope will help me remain spiritually intact as I face the difficult days ahead. I'm going to start praying here. These prayers will always be two-fold; the first part will always be my gratitude, my blessings. This type of prayer is what I was reared with - thankfulness for what I do have. I've also been reading the American Girl book series about Kaya, a Native American girl, with my daughter, and I can't help but notice that before every meal, or every hunt, or every major event, they all pray. They pray with thanks for the food they have, for the animal that gave its life so they could have food, to the earth that gave them that animal, to whatever. I'd like to start a regular tradition of thanking the powers that be for what I have. At the same time, I am also going to outline my hopes for the future, and be so bold as to ask those who pray to pray for me.

So here are my inaugural prayers. They are necessarily limited to the past few weeks of my life; if I go back any farther, I'd have to write a book.

Blessings

• I'm thankful for the wonderful care I've been receiving. The doctors I have seen have all been top-notch. I am so grateful to Drs. J and M for guiding me toward the 'right' decision the week before I left, and to Dr. L for communicating with me by e-mail while I've been on vacation.
• I'm thankful for my husband's amazing support, and for my kids, who are of course my main motivation for knowing I need to get through this with my spirit intact, and ultimately, beat this. 
• I'm thankful for being able to take this trip after all. Some amazing things have happened friendship-wise on this trip that have lifted my spirit immensely. For one, we became much closer to some friends from home, who spent part of the time down here with us. (The story on how is came to be is here.) We had such a good time with them.
• We also became friends with another family staying in the condo across the pool from us. They have a daughter our daughter's age, and the girls were like two peas in a pod from day one. Both my husband and I really enjoyed the parents, and they also had older children who were lovely. By the end of two weeks, it was almost as if they were old friends. The irony is that they are a very religious family; in fact, the father is actually a minister. It's as if God knew I needed a friend down here to put some joy in my heart, and sent me Kay. Oh wait, I don't believe in that type of thing. ;-) Regardless, it was truly a blessing - an amazing, amazing blessing for which I am so grateful. 

Hopes

• I pray for the wisdom to make the 'right' choices about some tough decisions that lie ahead, that fear and emotions won't cloud my judgment about the best medical treatment.
• I pray my loneliness through all of this will subside. In all of the blogs that I've been reading, so many people have written about what a lonely experience this is. They are right; it is lonely in a way that is very hard to describe. Losing friends and becoming estranged from family is not uncommon. I pray that I will be able to keep my friends throughout all of this, and I know that some of this depends on me. I pray that I will be able to behave in a way that will not drive people away from me. I also pray that people will be understanding of my shortcomings and continue to walk with me through this hell. I pray that I can make things right with my parents and brothers. As desperate as it may sound, I pray you will all stay with me, even if I have pathetic and undignified moments.
• I pray that I can find a way to manage my anxiety, and start sleeping again. 
• I pray for safe travels home, especially considering I will be doing it on zero hours of sleep.

Ever since I started to deal with my horrendous hip pain over a year ago, I've come to appreciate the many blogs out there, which show the more personal side to dealing with particular conditions. In fact, it is others' blogs that inspired me to start this blog while recovering from hip surgery. Never ever in a million years would I have guessed this would end up being a blog about cancer, but yet here we are. I've often felt that I should start a new blog, or rename this one, or at least take on a new Internet identity that captures my plight a little better than '39 and Hip,' but at the same time, I have to think this is a good reminder that there are many dimensions to a person's life, and sometimes they are so intertwined it is futile to try to deal with just one at a time. Life is messy, like a tangled ball of yarn. But this is good, all of the strings being intertwined. One string may be pulling us down, but we can grab hold of another that may help buoy us. And if that one doesn't help, we can keep reaching until we find one that does. We are never dangling from a single string upon which our entire life depends. There are multiple routes out of our dark times; we just have to find the combinations, the right balance, to keep ourselves afloat. I pray that I have it within me to do this.