On the one hand, I cannot believe it has been three weeks already. I feel like I've lost three weeks of my life, just sleeping and being useless and a drain on everyone around me. On the other hand, I cannot believe it has only been three weeks, and I'm sort of in awe over the body's ability to heal itself. This whole surgery is mind-boggling to me, quite honestly. And because I: a. have a lot of time on my hands; b. am a science/medicine nerd; and c. am a glutton for punishment, I Googled videos of this reconstruction yesterday. This one was amazing, and very enlightening: http://diepflapvideo.com. It is a video of the actual surgery being done - very graphic. After watching the whole video, start to finish, I am sort of in awe of how good I feel considering everything my poor body has gone through, and how much healing it has to do. The blood loss alone is significant! I'm also equally in awe of the amount of education, training, and skill it takes to do this surgery successfully. Even after gaining a good understanding of how it works, my mind is still boggled that it can actually be done.
I think I am at that point in recovery where you have to make a conscious effort to stay calm and keep perspective. I actually feel worse on a lot of days than I have in the past, but that's because I'm doing a lot more, starting to resume normal activities. I'm still sleeping downstairs in the recliner, but I'm no longer spending my days in it. I am back in our home office, at my desk, when I use the computer. I've been going outside regularly, picking what's left in my garden, cooking for myself, loading the dishwasher. I occasionally drive a few blocks but still don't really like it, as my left arm is very stiff. I picked my daughter up after school yesterday and debated whether I could walk there or not (2.5 blocks). I did, though I regretted it when I got there, and I must have looked awful, because several parents offered to give us a ride home. I took them up on it.
Another point of frustration that requires perspective is that my pain levels don't seem to be improving much, but I think that gets back to doing more, taking fewer pain meds, AND regaining some feeling where I previously had none. I have a constant, intense ache where, according to Dr. T, he had to remove cartilage from my rib to get to my blood vessels (no biggie, just a cracked rib), and I have weird pains in my abdomen as some of the nerves repair. I just need to remember that I was told to take six weeks off of work, and this is just the halfway point, so I shouldn't expect to feel stellar right now. Also, even though I could start working after six weeks, I knew it could be a full year before I felt 'normal' again - or at least 'the new normal.' One thing I am certain of is that I am so very grateful to have the entire semester off. I'd be in a very different place right now if I were returning to work in three weeks.
I have to just keep on keeping on. My goal for today is to move my stuff back upstairs, to break down my recliner camp. Three weeks seems like a good time to try to move back into my normal bed. It is also time for me to start cooking again. For four weeks now, someone has brought us something to eat, every night. That's four weeks in a row; I'm not even counting the two surgeries before this or the shell-shocked time around my initial diagnosis when friends also fed us. This has been amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. At the same time, just like weaning off pain meds, getting back into the swing of things will require weaning off help, so I told Admiral and my 'food posse' that we were ready to start fending for ourselves again. I have a feeling this might involve lots of take-out and rotisserie chickens for a while, but, like everything else, one baby step of progress is a victory.
Overall, I'm happy with where I am, and I'm happy as I think about the future - both the immediate and the more distant. I find myself planning again, looking forward. And that, in itself is a big step.
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