Sunday, September 24, 2017

Half an Inch of Water

This roller coaster. Wow.

Just earlier tonight, I started composing this entry in my head, about how defeated I am feeling. I am just so damn exhausted all of the time, and completely overwhelmed with work. But I keep pushing through. I'm trying to eat well, rest when I can, do my PT exercises when I can, and I honestly feel like I can't push myself any harder. Yet, my recovery continues to be painfully slow.

Today, I spent most of the day on the couch, grading. UGH. I absolutely, positively DESPISE grading. While grading, I was also semi-watching some minimally interesting college football games and icing, heating, doing my isometric contractions, self-massage, and riding the stationary bike during my breaks. At the end of the day, I was frustrated by how much my hips hurt, considering how much attention they got today. My husband had already made dinner and put the kids to bed, so I figured it was my job to do the dishes. I had a serious set-back last weekend when I was trying to clean up the house before my husband got back from his week-long business trip. Bending over to empty/load the dishwasher and do laundry caused major spasms in my back that were just awful. AWFUL. I didn't have the energy to write about it, but I'm just now feeling back to where I was prior to this episode, so I'm paranoid about bending over too much. I know, it sounds like a handy excuse, huh? So I decided to be proactive and take some pain meds - half a valium and an oxycodone. I hate doing this, because I'm trying to wean off the heavy meds, and it feels like going backwards, but... whatever.

And what do you know, now I feel fantastic. I noticed just how fantastic I felt when I was picked up my computer off the couch to take it to my desk so I could charge it. I had a bunch of stuff to carry, and my desk wasn't too far away, so I decided to leave the crutch behind. And I just walked to my desk, almost like a normal person, with minimal pain. Just like that. No thinking, no psyching up, no concentrating on tightening my core and squeezing my glutes, like I have been working on in PT. I just did it. And in those 15 steps or so, all my frustrations from the day just melted away.

Moments like this are awesome, but there's still that element of OMG I cannot handle these ups and downs. That's what's getting me. Emotionally, I'm wrung out, running on empty. I realize that given my personality, the alternative to feeling emotional ups and downs is for me to be feeling down all the time, and trust me, I don't want to go there. But at the same time, feeling so many peaks and valleys each and every day is tough in its own way. I feel like a moody teenager, and god I hated being a teenager. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back there.

I think the frustrating thing is that if I think about things logically, I know I'm making progress. However, I still have such a long way to go. And as much as I try to stay in the moment, I cannot help but think forward to my next round of surgeries on my left side, and that gets me so super depressed I cannot put it into words. Part of me is learning to accept my life on crutches for what it is and not get worked up about the fact that it has been two and a half months since my surgeries and I still can't walk, yet another part of me gets overly excited about walking from one room to another and can't wait to get rid of them. It's all so confusing to the emotional headquarters in my brain. LOL.

All that said, I am going to try my best to stay positive, so I thought it might help to make a list of some milestones. Here are some things that I can do that I could absolutely not do when I started PT approximately three weeks ago.
  • I can walk a little, like I just wrote about. When I started PT, I couldn't even take one step without coming close to falling over.
  • I can get around well on crutches. It is still tiring, but nothing like the drop-dead exhaustion I felt the first day I went back to teaching. I can also get around very well with just one crutch, which I'm not exactly supposed to do, but my PT agreed it's okay to cheat sometimes, as long as I focus on not leaning and keeping my gait nice and even.
  • My energy levels have improved greatly. Although I'm still exhausted all of the time, it's because I'm doing so, so much. I'd be exhausted even without this whole hip ordeal. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that my energy levels feel close to normal.
  • I can lift my leg a little now. I can lift it up far enough to get my foot into my car, which I couldn't do at all three weeks ago. This isn't even something we've worked on in PT, just something that is coming back with time and healing.
  • My range of motion has improved a lot. I can now touch my foot and put shoes other than my slip-on clogs on. I'm still using my old-lady contraption to put my right sock on, but I'm definitely getting closer to being able to do without it. This is also something we haven't worked on in PT - I think my therapist is paranoid about pushing me on range of motion - it's just something that has come with time and healing.
  • I have most of the feeling in my thigh back. It is still a little numb, but it's definitely improved, and the weird, throbbing pains I used to get are mostly gone.
  • My pain levels, though they wax and wane, are generally very manageable. Most of my pain feels muscular, and I don't feel a lot of pain coming from my hip joint. Overall, I don't think my pain levels are much worse than they were pre-surgery. So that is amazing. 
This is all so hard, I can't even TRY to describe it. And even if I tried, I wouldn't expect anyone to understand what it's like. In so many ways, this is so much harder than cancer. But at the same time, the fact that I'm getting through this, and finding multiple coping mechanisms, and pulling strength out of every nook and cranny of my body that I can just to get through the day, gives me a sense of pride and accomplishment that I also can't even try to describe. 

This song, by John Prine, has long been one of my favorites. But now, more than ever, I feel like this is my life. 

I was sittin' in the bathtub just countin' my toes
When the radiator broke, water all froze
I was stuck in the ice without my clothes
Naked as the eyes of a clown
I was cryin' ice cubes, hopin' I'd croak
When the sun came through the window, the ice all broke
I stood up and laughed, I thought it was a joke
That's the way that the world goes 'round

That's the way that the world goes 'round
You're up one day, the next you're down
It's a half-an-inch of water and you think you're gonna drown
That's the way that the world goes 'round.

And there you have it. This is life. This is my half inch of water. Half an inch of water won't drown me, but it can make me slip and fall and set me back. So I must proceed cautiously, yet optimistically, knowing that I'm going to be okay.

1 comment:

  1. Count the small progressive steps as wins. I just heard that song on a Colbert (Late Show) video clip. Kind of funny that I watched that almost the exact time you wrote this. :)

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