Learning to Win Again

When I was younger, I was a fairly hard core thrill-seeker. I loved taking risks, pushing the envelope, and going on scary amusement park rides. I couldn't get enough of them. A lot of my thrill-seeking behavior was satisfied by doing gymnastics and, later, diving. These sports are not for people who don't like at least a little bit of an adrenaline rush on a daily basis. Interestingly, because I'm apparently stoic and unemotional on the outside, many of my teammates assumed I was fearless. But the truth is, I was terrified, pretty much every day. I just did shit anyway, because I was young and stupid and somehow got satisfaction out of being scared to the point of wanting throw up, yet doing something anyway. I mean, have you watched gymnastics or diving? You'd have to be an idiot to not be afraid to do that stuff. 

Weirdly enough, the old me cannot relate at all to that young me. Not at all. Like, let's talk about roller coasters. I used to love 'em. Now... not so much. The ups and the downs... I can't stand it. Neither literally nor metaphorically. And that's unfortunate, because I'm on a hell of roller coaster ride right now. I hate to even have to write this, because I was feeling so positive last week, and believe me, I want to keep that positivity going, but at the same time, I want to keep things real. Whether it's for someone out there going through something similar, or whether it's just something for me to look back on someday, I want to document the ups and downs of this crazy ride. 

After my PT appointment last Friday, I was on such a high that I waaaaaaay overdid it. I was seriously thinking I might be walking by the time I had to go back to work on September 11th. I'm embarrassed to even write that. Hello, idiot. To make a long story short, I was so psyched up after last Friday, that I did waaaaay too much, and paid for it. Hell, I'm still paying for it.

Granted, there are people who just come off crutches within a few days and are fine. I read about them on Facebook. The problem is that a lot of them are half my age or less and/or didn't have nearly the level of correction in their surgery as I did. Or they're just the bad asses I can only DREAM of being. Yeah, I know, everyone heals at their own pace and BLAH BLAH BLAH. But I like to be in the top percentile. In everything. And clearly, this is not my reality right now. And it's. killing. me.

This week, I've had to take a serious step back and tame the inner beast in me that HAS TO WALK NOW. Because, for whatever reason, my body doesn't want to walk right now. I've gone through various degrees of anger over this, but my body is being stubborn, and doesn't care how much I scream at it. It's not happening. And as Dr. Terminator's assistant explained, if I force too much too soon, I'll end up with another problem - bursitis, tendinitis, and/or another thing ending in -itis or -osis - that can be just as much of a pain in the ass as oh, a hip sawed into three pieces and screwed back together. So yeah, not into that.

When I saw Jerry on Tuesday, we couldn't even do any 'real' exercises because he had to spend the whole time trying to get my muscles to calm down after the abuse I put them through over the weekend - on both sides. :( He encouraged me to continue my isometric contractions and to keep riding the stationary bike 30 minutes a day, in small chunks. He said it wasn't about getting a cardio workout in; it was about keeping the joint mobile and getting my blood flow going. So three times a day for ten minutes or, even better, six times a day for five minutes would be better than 30 minutes all at once. 

We also worked on my breathing. Jerry told me I should breathe in through my nose for five counts, hold my breath for seven, then breathe out through my mouth for eight. Or, if that was too much to think about, I should make a conscious effort to breathe OUT for twice as long as I breathe in. The rationale behind this is that if you breathe out, certain muscles HAVE to relax. This includes some muscles tied to your diaphragm, which are also important muscles in hip flexion. Now, let me just say that breathing has always been one of those things I've considered like voodoo. I once saw a guy for stress management who was big on belly breathing, and it really did nothing for me other than make me self conscious. So, I'm not totally sold. However, the way Jerry explained it to me made more sense than it ever has, so I'm giving it another shot. Not only did he explain the rationale in scientific terms, but he also said there was a reason so many different activities - e.g., martial arts, yoga, etc. - emphasize breathing. It's real, even if we can't fully understand it. Our bodies are smart. 

Sometimes people ask me if my hips ever hurt when I was younger. Although they did hurt at times, I never paid much attention to them, because a lot of body parts hurt a lot of the time. I never felt like my hips hurt worse than other parts of me. When I was doing sports, it was a given that something was going to hurt, and you managed the pain as well as you could until you got through the next big competition. But the thing is, there is no competition in my future. That goal I'm aiming for - well, it's called the rest of my life. So in addition to retraining my brain how to walk, I also have to retrain my brain how to win. Winning in this case is completely personal. There are no other competitors other than myself. Winning is being able to walk again without pain. It isn't as easy as just grinning and bearing it until the competition is over, or until the roller coaster ride ends.

This is new territory for me. Thanks for bearing with me as I navigate these new, murky waters, and as I strive to redefine everything that has always defined me.