Part of my major, major stress is that I have to go back to work on Monday, September 11th. What a day, huh? And when it rains, it pours. My husband is leaving for a work trip on Sunday, and not returning for a week. So that's a lot. A LOT. Not only do I have to go back to work, but I also have to get the kids up in the morning, get them dressed, fed, dropped off at school, picked up from school, fed again, EVERYTHING. I only started to go up the stairs a week ago, and I've only been upstairs twice since then, so this is going to be a lot.
Now, when I say that I have to return to work, that's probably overly dramatic. I've been up to work. I don't know how many times, but I've been working remotely since probably three weeks post-op, and I've been going into the office at least once a week for a while now. All my colleagues have heard me clunking around the hallway and know that I can't walk and won't bei able to walk for a very long time and don't care. Because most of them didn't care about me even when I could walk, lol. What I mean by 'going back to work' is that I have to start teaching again. And that's a whole different thing, because the thought of lecturing in front of 80 students while I'm on crutches makes me want to throw up to the extent that I'm surprised I'm not throwing up right now just thinking about it.
But, it will happen, because it has to.
I don't have the energy to write about it right now.
Right now I'm going to focus on the little things. Aside from my feeling of impending doom over teaching on crutches and surviving a week of solo parenting on crutches, I'm feeling more positive than I was in my last post, at least about my physical state. I went to physical therapy yesterday and Jerry showed me some really helpful exercises to do. I tried walking without crutches, and I really just can't do it for more than one or two steps. I'm not sure Jerry actually believed me when I told him I CAN'T walk. It's not a question of it hurting too much, or even with me limping excessively; I cannot will my muscles to do the right things at the right time. If I had to take more steps without anything to grab onto, I think I'd just fall over. And to be honest, I thought maybe it was just a mental block, too, but now it's clear that this is an actual physiological problem that we have to deal with. There is some serious miscommunication going on between my brain and my muscles. I get that this is normal, but I feel the severity of it in my case is perplexing, as the extent of my dysfunction has surprised both Dr. Terminator and now Jerry.
So, we literally have to start over. Jerry gave me some exercises to do that are components of walking - stepping forward, and shifting my weight forward, then stepping back and shifting my weight backwards - while holding onto a counter for balance. That will retrain my brain to at least get pieces of what it needs to do. When I can get that down, we'll add another step in. This at least feels like progress, however slow. He told me to really focus on making sure my glutes are contracting and my core is engaged when I'm doing all of these exercises. Right now my glutes are not working when I try to walk, even though I can contract them isometrically. As a result, my back and hip flexors are compensating, which is leading to a lot of pain, and is a big no-no for the long-term. Jerry said it takes 10,000 steps to form a pattern of walking, so it's important for me to be sure I'm starting over with the correct habits, and the right muscles doing the right things at the right time.
It's just mind boggling to me that I can walk so easily with crutches, but not at all without them. Around the house, I can get by with one crutch, and I don't even feel like I'm putting very much weight on it. In fact, I'm super conscious about keeping good posture and walking upright so I don't form any bad habits. Yet, take the crutch away, and my synapses freak out. Or something.
The other major problem we're dealing with is that I still cannot lift my thigh very far, although it's getting better veeeeeeery sloooooowly. Jerry told me that I have to keep trying to lift it, even if it's not moving. It's important for me to send signals to my brain that it needs to send some power down to that area. All these mind exercises are killing me. I've always had an easy time with the physical aspects of the various sports that I've done, but the fact that I'm a basket case was always my downfall. In a few glorious periods where I could get my head screwed on straight, I had some of my best accomplishments, but it was always a struggle. The fact that so much of this rehab is a brain game, and not just powering through by doing lots of squats or spending hours on bicycle is a bit daunting to me, but I at least feel like I'm in good hands.
On a more positive note, I'm pleased that my range of motion is improving. I'm almost able to touch my foot!
And so I continue onward, because that's what people do. They keep on keeping on. The next time I write, I'll be able to give you a full report of what it is like to be in a large lecture hall in front of 80 students teaching on crutches. All the positive thoughts and prayers you can muster up and send my way would be much appreciated.
But, it will happen, because it has to.
I don't have the energy to write about it right now.
Right now I'm going to focus on the little things. Aside from my feeling of impending doom over teaching on crutches and surviving a week of solo parenting on crutches, I'm feeling more positive than I was in my last post, at least about my physical state. I went to physical therapy yesterday and Jerry showed me some really helpful exercises to do. I tried walking without crutches, and I really just can't do it for more than one or two steps. I'm not sure Jerry actually believed me when I told him I CAN'T walk. It's not a question of it hurting too much, or even with me limping excessively; I cannot will my muscles to do the right things at the right time. If I had to take more steps without anything to grab onto, I think I'd just fall over. And to be honest, I thought maybe it was just a mental block, too, but now it's clear that this is an actual physiological problem that we have to deal with. There is some serious miscommunication going on between my brain and my muscles. I get that this is normal, but I feel the severity of it in my case is perplexing, as the extent of my dysfunction has surprised both Dr. Terminator and now Jerry.
So, we literally have to start over. Jerry gave me some exercises to do that are components of walking - stepping forward, and shifting my weight forward, then stepping back and shifting my weight backwards - while holding onto a counter for balance. That will retrain my brain to at least get pieces of what it needs to do. When I can get that down, we'll add another step in. This at least feels like progress, however slow. He told me to really focus on making sure my glutes are contracting and my core is engaged when I'm doing all of these exercises. Right now my glutes are not working when I try to walk, even though I can contract them isometrically. As a result, my back and hip flexors are compensating, which is leading to a lot of pain, and is a big no-no for the long-term. Jerry said it takes 10,000 steps to form a pattern of walking, so it's important for me to be sure I'm starting over with the correct habits, and the right muscles doing the right things at the right time.
It's just mind boggling to me that I can walk so easily with crutches, but not at all without them. Around the house, I can get by with one crutch, and I don't even feel like I'm putting very much weight on it. In fact, I'm super conscious about keeping good posture and walking upright so I don't form any bad habits. Yet, take the crutch away, and my synapses freak out. Or something.
The other major problem we're dealing with is that I still cannot lift my thigh very far, although it's getting better veeeeeeery sloooooowly. Jerry told me that I have to keep trying to lift it, even if it's not moving. It's important for me to send signals to my brain that it needs to send some power down to that area. All these mind exercises are killing me. I've always had an easy time with the physical aspects of the various sports that I've done, but the fact that I'm a basket case was always my downfall. In a few glorious periods where I could get my head screwed on straight, I had some of my best accomplishments, but it was always a struggle. The fact that so much of this rehab is a brain game, and not just powering through by doing lots of squats or spending hours on bicycle is a bit daunting to me, but I at least feel like I'm in good hands.
On a more positive note, I'm pleased that my range of motion is improving. I'm almost able to touch my foot!
And so I continue onward, because that's what people do. They keep on keeping on. The next time I write, I'll be able to give you a full report of what it is like to be in a large lecture hall in front of 80 students teaching on crutches. All the positive thoughts and prayers you can muster up and send my way would be much appreciated.
So many positive thoughts heading your way! I wish I was nearby so I could drop off a meal and/or give you some help with the kids this week. It sounds like you are already making progress and I know you'll continue moving steadily in the right direction. When I was in MN Lexi and I were chatting about how amazing PT can be and it sounds like you were matched with the right person for you. Good luck with everything this week -- you *will* get through it!
ReplyDeleteToday, always, and especially Monday I will be sending you all the positive energy and good wishes I've got. It's a long process and a true slog but you've got this, I just know it!! Hugs.
ReplyDeleteSending good thoughts. You're almost through the week.
ReplyDeleteoxox