I get by with a little help from my friends...

I'm not sure if this is really stuff I should be posting in a public place, but... here goes. It's the age of People Sharing Too Much Information, right?

I woke up this morning feeling extremely ambivalent, and unsure. Unsure about myself, and about everything. My husband was extremely sweet and got up with me and made me breakfast, then went back to sleep. I knew it was unlikely I would be hungry for lunch, so I really tried to eat breakfast, but I've basically felt sick to my stomach for the past two weeks. I don't feel like eating, and whatever I eat causes extreme GI distress. Enough said. In my stress, I managed to give myself the most painful Lovenox shot so far, and boy do I have the bruise to prove it. Ugh.

Around 7:30, I headed off to try to pass my EMT practicals. The day did not start off well when I promptly failed the first two exams. One of them was CPR with AED (automated external defibrillator), which is absolutely ridiculous, because basic life support for healthcare providers (which is essentially CPR with AED) is actually a prerequisite for the EMT class. Apparently I did my compressions too slowly, which was in direct response to everyone telling me I was going way too fast the last time we practiced. Also, when I did my artificial ventilation exam on Wednesday, I was worried I did the ventilations too fast and thought I might fail because of it. You're supposed to ventilate at a rate of 10-12 ventilations per minute for one minute, and I was at 14 when the proctor told me to stop, but I passed anyway - either because he wasn't counting closely or he actually let me go for more than one minute. Anyway, I realize you do everything faster when you're nervous, and I heard one of the women who came out of the exam right before I went in say that the proctor had told her she had done her compressions too fast, so I was making a conscious effort to not go too fast. I guess I waaaaay overcorrected. But hey, at least I respond well to criticism!

I was super pissed about the other exam I failed, because it was a simple splinting exam, and I did it just as I had practiced it at least 20 times in class, and no one had ever told me it was wrong. I felt better that the other people who got the same splinting scenario as I did also failed, because they also did it the way we had practiced it in class, and no one ever told them it was wrong either. And honestly, I still don't believe it was wrong, but... whatever. Oh the joy of learning something one way, then having to pass an exam with strangers who think it should be done another way.

The proctors don't tell you if you passed or failed; they just send your evaluation sheet off to a 'courier,' who delivers the sheets to your instructor, who then comes and finds you if you failed, and discusses the reason you failed with you. (So you know it's bad if you see him coming toward you.) Sometimes it is totally obvious you failed - like, if a patient dies on you, lol - but I was honestly pretty surprised (VERY UNPLEASANTLY) about both my fails. I found out about the splinting fail first, and was pissed, but still okay. Fortunately I had taken (and passed) another exam before I found out about the CPR/AED fail. I found out about the CPR/AED fail while I was waiting in line for another exam, and the proctor of the exam just happened to walk by and sat down to tell me in person that I had gone too slowly. UUUUGH!! I mean, he was nice about it, and somewhat apologetic, considering he had watched me do it during class several times and told me it was fine. Somehow I managed to hold it together to get through the exam I was waiting for (and ultimately pass it), but when I got out, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. The remaining exam I had - medical assessment - is my (and everyone else's) nemesis. By the time I had the news of my TWO failed exams, almost half the class had already failed medical assessment, which didn't make me feel very confident. Facing that exam, plus my two failed exams, was waaaaaay too much for me and my ridiculously limited capacity for stress.

The atmosphere in the classroom became unbearable at some point; my head was about to explode listening to people bounce various scenarios off each other and talk about what they had failed and why, so I went to try to find a quiet spot in the hallway to just... chill. Eventually my instructor found me to tell me I had failed the freaking CPR/AED exam, which I already knew, and even though I had been holding it together up until then, I LOST IT, and started crying right in front of him. And that was The Worst Feeling Ever, because even though I have spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep in the past few weeks, I have not ever cried in class before. Or at work in front of my colleauges. Or even in front of my own freaking family. And once I start crying, I can't stop (which is probably why I'm so good at holding it in - it's all or nothing for me). My instructor was, of course, super awesome, and told me I didn't have to finish today if I couldn't do it, but that if I could do it, 'I'll be sure you pass.' If not, he would be happy to make arrangements for me to do the exams later, when I was feeling better.

But the thing is that later is only going to be worse. There is no 'feeling better' for me in sight. I said I really wanted to do everything today because I felt like it was now or never for me. Then my instructor said, 'You're not getting off that easily. I'm going to be sure you pass eventually.' I looked at him pathetically and didn't say anything. The thing is that I really did want to pass, but I definitely didn't want to pass just because he felt sorry for me, or because he knew that I had no intention of actually being an EMT. Like... I have pride; I wanted to pass legitimately. Then he looked me in the eye and said, 'The reason I'm going to make sure you pass is because of all the people in this class, you're the one I would trust the most to take care of me.' That honestly took me completely off guard, especially after all of my doubts about my abilities to actually DO stuff, versus just read about and understand stuff, and especially after comparing my skills against my much more skilled classmates. I mean, it was a HUGE and overwhelming compliment considering that of all the people in the class, I would not be my own first choice of people I would want to care for me. So I reacted in a completely appropriate way to his compliment <insert sarcasm here> by BURSTING INTO HYSTERICAL TEARS. OMG it was completely mortifying, but at the same time, I was so out of sorts I didn't even realize how completely mortifying it was, sort of like when you are giving birth.

It was honestly one of the most humbling experiences I've had in my lifetime, because I can't think of a time where I've ever cried so hysterically in such a public place before. I know stress during the practical exams is a given, and the exams are actually designed to make you feel that stress, because being an EMT is a stressful job, and they want to be sure you can handle it (hence why I will never be an EMT). At the same time, it was sort of humiliating to think that all of these people were thinking that I was crying hysterically over exam stress. Aside from the woman I had already told about my ordeal, I did end up sharing things with a few other people, but I'm sure the rest of them (including a former student and current student in my department at ABC college) just thought I was hysterical over the exams. But in the end, I just had to stop worrying about what everyone was thinking about me and just try to worry about passing my three freaking exams.

And... I did. I have a strong suspicion that my instructor told the proctors to be nice to me, lol, but... whatever. You still have to complete all the skills on the checklist no matter what, and I know I did that, so I feel good about it. And the funny thing is that after all was said and done, I passed the medical assessment on the first try, whereas over half the class had to do that exam twice, and that was the one that I had never successfully completed in class.

I think the most amazing thing is that after my breakdown, a bunch of my classmates really rallied for me, and were so super kind and supportive that I now feel I need to pay things forward for a hundred years to make up for it (especially considering most of them thought I was just crying over exam stress). One of the guys - to whom I eventually told the whole story - was soooo nice, and hung out with me while I was in a crying fit, and kept asking me if I wanted food or water or anything, and ahhhhhhh. I seriously felt so weird he was being so nice, but eventually he said to me, 'You know, you're the ROCK of this class. You're always in class, and you're one of the reasons I've loved coming to class. So whatever you're going through right now, I want to be the rock for you like you've been for me.' Of course I responded to this by crying hysterically. Awesome. I don't even know this guy's full name, and when I came out of my final exam, he was gone. I hope I can track him down.

When I finally left, with my certificate in hand, my instructor gave me a huge hug, and I started crying all over again, which was super embarrassing, but since almost everyone else was gone at that point, I just let it go. At some point during the hug (and geez, if you know me, you know I'm not a huggy person), one of the women who has helped with the class regularly, came in and told my instructor she would take over for him (hahaha, like relieving someone of CPR). This woman is super scary, and has pretty much never passed me on anything I've ever done, and I figured that based on her compassionate response, she knew what was going on. But it turns out she didn't, so I eventually let her in, and she responded by telling me that she had had cancer, and it pretty much sucked, but she was here, and alive. Then she grabbed me and was like, 'You just have to do whatever you have to do to get it out, and you don't take no for an answer!' and followed this with some huge pep talk. I mean, I realize that it's not always a question of just chasing the cancer out of your body, but to have this woman, so full of piss and vinegar, tell me this, was soooo fitting. Based on my experience with her, I can just imagine her standing around screaming, 'FUCK YOU, CANCER, GET THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF MY BODY!!' It really inspired me to stay positive, and to beat this shit. It's going to suck, but I'm going to do it.

I've done things without friends before, but man, it is so, so, SO much easier with a support network in place. And I thank God for that.