The Bright Side of a Dull Gray Cloud

I've never been a person who believes all things happen for a reason, unless bad luck and life is unfair count as 'reasons.' However, I do think that sometimes clouds have a silver lining, and things work out in the end, and perhaps that's pretty much the same thing as believing things happen for a reason.

I had to laugh at the response I got from my colleague, Admiral, when I e-mailed him to let him know that my surgery was postponed and I wouldn't be needing food after all. I explained a little bit of what I thought was going to happen in the future, and he replied that he was happy that at least Dr. L was back in the picture - followed by Feels like I'm looking for the bright side of a dull gray cloud. Exactly.

But, I'm oddly at peace with everything right now. I'm not sure how long it will last, but for now, I'll take it.

Today I had to make a pretty big decision about work, which was tough, because I had everything so well planned out, which took me I don't know how many hours of banging my head against the wall. Basically I had planned for my colleague to cover for me through the first exam, and I would return on October 5th. This was sort of pushing it, since my surgeon recommended six weeks off, but I figured I could make it work. Unfortunately, with my surgery now being delayed by at least two weeks - I'm still skeptical about the September 8th date - it complicates things. There is no way my colleague can cover for me past October 5th. Her schedule right now is so insane, I'm not even sure if she can cover for me through September, at least not without quitting at the end of the semester. She is brand new, has never taught this class before, and has five sections of it, each with 80 students. Talk about being set up for failure.

Fortunately, there is an adjunct, Dave, who is chomping at the bit to teach more classes, and has volunteered to teach anything we throw at him. He is retired, and, I think, bored. And lonely. Basically I think he just really likes to hang out at the university and feel like he is a part of something, which I totally get. He is a nice guy, and the students like him, but man, the guy can talk. I usually try to avoid him because it's not often that I have an hour at work for pointless gabbing, and if I do, I prefer to do it with some of my closer colleagues.

But anyway, it turns out Dave will be a lifesaver. Today he and I and the colleague who is currently covering for me met with the Chair to discuss various options, given my new situation. Dave said he was more than willing to cover for me until I was able to return, which I appreciate, but I also think it is not in the best interest of the students to have three different instructors. If it were an upper division class, that would be one thing, but 90% of the students are first semester freshmen, and their minds already seemed blown that they are getting a 'substitute' for the first six weeks.

We threw around all sorts of different scenarios about how Dave could cover for me and how we could make my return easiest for the students, and on and on until everyone's heads were about to explode. But eventually I realized that it would be much easier for everyone, myself included, if I just took the semester off. I have enough leave to do this, and while I'm nervous about blowing all of it at once, that's why it's there, right? Like... sometimes I get all pissy about taking money out of savings to pay medical bills, then I think to myself, well duh, isn't this why you are supposed to have savings in the first place? To pay for stuff like this? Supposedly I've earned 11 days of leave for every year I've been full-time, which would give me 55 days. I think I could actually argue I should have more, because I've been here for six years, only I dropped to 75% the semester after my son was born, and because it was easier, the university made me 87.5% for the entire year. Anyway, technically a semester is 80 days, but there's wiggle room. For example, I already taught a three-credit course, which is 25% of my load. Also, I'm working now. Basically the Chair made it clear that I could take the semester off using my leave and We'll make sure you're taken care of. I mean, duh, what idiot would REJECT that offer?!

Eventually the Chair looked at me and said, 'What would be the least stressful option for you, Waning?' When he said it like that, it was a no-brainer. I said I thought it would be the easiest for everyone, including the students, if I just took the semester off. After all of these ridiculously complicated scenarios we were throwing around, everyone seemed relieved I had finally come to my senses. I guess part of my resistance was in response to how freaking long the summer seemed, and how much the time flew by once I went back to work and started teaching. I do think I'll be bored by mid-October, once I'm hopefully feeling better. At the same time, teaching is stressful, and it's especially stressful trying to coordinate with so many other people, dealing with the 'baggage' they leave behind, etc., etc. And I certainly don't need more stress in my life right now.

I also keep reminding myself that if I need time off in the future (which hopefully I will not), I always have the option to take a pay cut, like I did when my son was born. But there's really no reason to do that if I don't need to. And God knows I need the money right now.

All in all, I feel good about the decision, and it's mostly a relief. Combined with Dr. L doing my mastectomy in less than a week, I am happy with how things have worked out, especially considering that 48 hours ago I pretty much wanted to stab myself in the carotid. As Admiral said, it's the bright side of a dull gray cloud.

Hey, I'll take it.