Let the Countdown Begin...

My son, who will be four this coming Saturday, was really into rockets at one point in his young life. He learned to count backwards before he learned to count forwards. In fact, come to think of it, I'm not sure he even knows how to count forward. We'll have to work on that before kindergarten. But we use countdowns all the time. Ten seconds until the shower gets turned off. Ten seconds until the video gets turned off. Ten seconds until Mommy gets really, really angry and puts you in time out. 10...9...8...7...6... 

I now realize I'm finally within 10 days of my mastectomy, and suddenly, it seems like time is flying. I can start a countdown. 9...8...7... Teaching this all-day, intensive class, which started last Wednesday and will end tomorrow has been an absolute blessing. It has been exhausting, for sure, and I've had a couple challenging students, but overall, I'm so, so glad that I am teaching this class. It made last week fly by, and I feel like this week will be over before I know it. Tomorrow is my last day of class, and my daughter's first day of fourth grade. Tomorrow will fly by. That brings me to Wednesday, which will be exactly one week pre-mastectomy. One week. That's easy. After waiting a month and a half, a week is a piece of cake. In fact, I've accomplished so little of what was on my original mastectomy bucket list, I'm sure I can fill up the week with no problem. I've always been a last-minute type of gal anyway.

It looks like things are a go as far as surgery. I mentioned that all my blood tests came back 'normal' from the clotting panel my PCP did on me, and so far they are all coming in normal from the tests Dr. AC ordered as well. Apparently I'm normal enough that my plastic surgeon finally ordered a pre-surgery CT scan to help him plan the surgery. Unfortunately, he is insistent that I do the scan up at UH, which is kind of annoying considering a CT scan is a CT scan, no? Whatever. These past 3.5 months have been so surreal I don't even question things anymore. I keep waiting to wake up from this bizarre dream, only apparently I'm not actually asleep. What is three more hours in traffic in the large scheme of I cannot believe this is happening to me things? And my appointment is for 2 PM on Wednesday, which will help Wednesday fly by, at which point I will return home and resume my countdown. 6...5...4...

Anyway, as a follow up to my post about one of my colleagues trying to arrange for department members to bring me and my family food post-mastectomy, I feel compelled to share the following story. Today was the official 'start date' for the new school year, and thus, our first department meeting of the year. The meeting was from 10-12, so I thought I might be able to make the last half hour or so, depending on when I let my students out for lunch break. According to my notes from previous years, I was done with the morning session by 11:30, but apparently old age really does make a person ramble more. LOL. I didn't finish until around noon, at which point I went up to my office, figuring the meeting was over. However, I noticed no one else was around, so I went back downstairs to catch the tail end of the meeting. I didn't sneak in or anything; I opened the door, walked in, dragged a chair across the room, and plopped down between two of my colleagues, and started whispering about what I had missed (obviously a lot, lol, since the meeting was from 10-12 and I was walking in at 12:05). Everyone was sitting in a 'U' formation looking forward toward the Chair, and while I tried not to make a big scene when I came in, I'm pretty sure a lot of people saw me. Around 12:15, the Chair asked if anyone had anything to say about any department affairs, etc., etc., and Admiral raised his hand and said, 'Yes. Waning Moon is having surgery next week and I'm arranging to have the department bring her family meals...' At that point, I honestly JUST ABOUT DIED!! Like... it's not a secret. In fact, the only reason Admiral knows at all is because I've sent out a few FYI e-mails to the department letting them know what's going on. BUT STILL! I felt really uncomfortable having this all 'out there' like this. As I glanced around desperately, a few of my colleagues shot me sympathetic looks across the room, and I quickly grabbed one of my colleague's agendas and jokingly put it over my face. However, as Admiral continued on I jokingly bent over and pretended to hide under the table. Finally, the colleague who was sitting next to me was like, 'Um, she's sitting right here.' I didn't hear anything that happened after that because I pretty much thought I was dying of embarrassment. As it turns out, Admiral didn't realize I had walked into the room (his back was to mine) and was just as embarrassed when he realized I was there after all - for the last 15 minutes of the meeting. Oh boy. Hopefully I didn't offend him; it was honestly just a bit much considering our department is fairly large these days and part of the reason I went to the meeting is because there are three new faculty I haven't even met yet.

ANYWAY.

As the countdown begins, I think it's time for some prayers.

Blessings

• I continue to be so thankful for my friends. I've never been a person who has a lot of friends, and that's okay, because the friends I do have are Quality Friends. They are all helping me get me through this, each in their own way. I have a friend for every need - a friend I almost never mention the C word to; a friend who will indulge me with frivolous shopping; a friend who will bring drinks over and talk until midnight about anything and everything. I am so very grateful for that.
• I am thankful to be in such a better place with my parents than I was in mid-June.
• I am thankful for my supportive colleagues and work environment, even if it's embarrassing sometimes.
• I'm thankful that all my blood work is coming back normal and that I am a candidate for the reconstruction I want to have. 
• I'm thankful for my husband, who has been a rock throughout all of this.
• I'm thankful that I have been able to sleep for the past week.

Hopes

• I continue to pray for my surgeons; that they will not be distracted and will be at their absolute best when they are planning my surgery and operating on me.
• I pray for my children; that they will be okay throughout all of this. They know what is going on in that I am having surgery, but I don't know if they really get it. 
• I pray for my husband, for strength. I think in many ways this has been harder for him than it has for me, and I am sure that what lies ahead will be harder for him than for me - logistically, anyway. 
• I pray for everything to run smoothly for my family. I am the 'boss' of this family. I organize things; I tell everyone where they need to be and when. If I can't take care of the kids, I am the one who arranges their care. I'm the one who corresponds with my son's daycare and my daughter's school and makes sure she gets picked up from school. I pray all of this can continue to happen without me. 
• I pray I'm not making a mistake doing this reconstruction. I pray Dr. T is really the answer to my prayers and that I won't regret this.
• I pray my daughter has a good school year and hits her stride. Yes, this is unrelated, but while I'm praying, I just thought I'd throw that in there. My daughter causes me so much stress, knowing that she is going to be okay would really help in my healing.

In less than an hour, I'll be one week and one day away. While I am dreading this on so many levels I won't even begin to try to get into right now, I also want it to be over. I would say I want it over with so I can move on and 'be done,' but I realize there is no 'done' until I die of something completely unrelated to breast cancer. For the rest of my life, there won't be a 'done.' Nonetheless, I just want this done for done's sake. So let the countdown begin.