Blame the Tamoxifen

I've mentioned before that I worry about being a hypochondriac, except I'm pretty sure I'm not because whenever I go to the doctor, I'm told I need surgery. Or that I'm going to have a baby. Nonetheless, my worry over being a hypochondriac translates into me not knowing if the symptoms I feel are real, or if they are part of my hypochondria.

Anyway, I started to take tamoxifen a week ago. I was pretty sure it would either kill me, or make me want to kill myself, but it hasn't been that bad. Really and truly, it hasn't. Unfortunately, I created some weird mind game within myself where I think I was blowing off any side effects as hypochondria, when there do actually seem to be some side effects, which I'm finally realizing are real.

My oncologist had told me to take it at different times of the day to see which one made the side effects the most tolerable. He said a lot of women like to take it in the morning so they have hot flashes during the day, rather than at night when they're trying to sleep. So that's what I did initially, because the last thing I need is another factor contributing to my already really bad insomnia. But, the hot flashes are not bad; in fact, I don't even know if they are real or not. Part of that could be that I'm always getting weird hot and cold flashes and feeling gross and unsettled, so maybe my hormones have always been fucked up, which could perhaps be why I have cancer. Just a thought.

One thing I do notice is that I. am. tired. As in... a lot more tired than I should be. Then again, I'm tired a lot, because I don't sleep well or enough and I stress excessively about everything. And I'm recovering from surgery, yada yada yada. Still, I feel like I shouldn't be so slothly. So I blame the tamoxifen for that. Because I can.

I asked people on breastcancer.org what time of the day they take their tamoxifen, and an overwhelming majority said at night, because of the fatigue issue. So sometime last week, I switched to taking it at night, while the kids are taking their nightly shower - so around 7:30ish. Doing this seems to help me sleep better ( = OMG, a miracle). Even if it is a placebo effect, who cares, right? Sleep is sleep, and I don't notice excessive fatigue during the day. At least, it's no worse than when I take the tamoxifen in the morning.

Unfortunately, taking the tamoxifen at night gives me morning sickness, for whatever reason. It seems kind of cruel considering I don't recall ever even having morning sickness when I was pregnant, so WTF? It took me a while to figure out that this is real, because the first time I took it at night, I also ate sushi and had several glasses of red wine, after not drinking much at all for quite some time. The next morning, I figured I was either hung over or it was bad sushi, or both. (Like tamoxifen, sushi is an easy target for blame, especially when you live in a landlocked state.) However, a few sushi- and drink-free days later, what do you know, I still wake up feeling nauseous. I feel like I am going to throw up, but I don't. It usually goes away by late morning, but it is not pleasant. It's somewhere in between mildly irritating and completely disruptive. Bleck.

So... starting Week 2 of Adventures in Hormone Disruption, I'm going to try taking the tamoxifen a bit earlier - perhaps with dinner. Since I KNOW it makes me tired, I'm a little worried about taking it too early. On the other hand, the nausea when I wake up every morning is annoying enough that I'm not sure I can live with it for another 9 years and 358 days. And so the adventure continues.