The Shit People Say

On Monday, I wrote about how a lot of people say really irritating shit when you tell them you have cancer, but that you have to be tolerant. Today, I discovered the limits of my tolerance.

This afternoon I picked up my daughter from her piano lesson, and her piano teacher was going off on her about not practicing. Then she went off on me about my daughter not practicing and how it is a waste of her time and our money and yada yada yada if my daughter doesn't practice. I agree, and my daughter not practicing piano (and generally not putting much effort into anything) is an ongoing issue. But... it's a really low priority right now. My daughter is not a bad person, she just lacks self-discipline, sort of like a pretty typical nine-year-old. We are working on it, but it is a process, and it is an uphill battle considering we live in a culture of instant gratification, where young people expect everything to be spoon fed to them. And admittedly, I'm not ever going to win any Mother of the Year awards, either. I love my kids to death, but I'm pretty much a terrible mom. So there you go.

Anyway.

Finally I told my daughter's piano teacher that in my daughter's defense, the past couple of weeks had been pretty rough. She kept yammering on and on and on, though, so finally, to try to get her to SHUT UP ALREADY, I told her that I just found out I had breast cancer. Honestly, I really wasn't going to say anything, but geez, can you cut us some slack here?!

Unfortunately, that just made her launch into her own story about breast cancer. The annoying thing about breast cancer is that it is so common that everyone knows someone who had breast cancer, and therefore everyone thinks they are an expert on breast cancer. And because breast cancer has a high survival rate, everyone has tips on how to beat it, because they know someone who did X and she is fine now. In the case of my daughter's piano teacher, her mother had breast cancer. Not a shock. A lot of people's moms have or had breast cancer. The thing is, most people's moms don't have breast cancer at the age of 40 (and actually, the two women I know of who did have breast cancer in their 40s ended up dying of breast cancer, in their 40s).

So she immediately started lecturing me about how her recommendation would be to get a double mastectomy and just get it over with. She proceeded to tell me how her mother had wanted to have a double mastectomy right away, but the doctors wouldn't do it because it was too risky because she was diabetic and had heart disease. So she had a mastectomy on the breast that had cancer and then six years later she got cancer in her other breast and then had that one chopped off and was mad because she had wanted it chopped off six years ago. She went on and on about how her mother had a good relationship with her father and knew that he would continue to love her even if she didn't have breasts so she was secure enough to not even have her breasts reconstructed; she just wore a prosthetic and she looked completely normal in clothes. Oh, and then she died three years after her second mastectomy (but not of cancer).

Gee, what a heartwarming story. WTF?!

First of all, don't lecture me about having a mastectomy if you don't know anything about my particular case, or even if you do (unless you're my doctor or genetic counselor). And don't talk to me about a mastectomy as if it is not a big deal. It is a big deal. Obviously, it is better than dying, but even so, it is not something you can talk about in the same tone you use to talk about what color you are going to dye your hair. Also, your mother getting breast cancer at the age of 70 is not the same as me having breast cancer at the age of 40. I'm sure I'd be approaching all of this with a much different mindset if I were 30 years older. In 30 years, I'm sure I won't be spending nearly as much time hanging out at the pool in a swimsuit as I do now.

At my appointment yesterday (it's hard to believe that was only yesterday), Dr. L made a point of saying that she did not want to be overly aggressive just because I am young. That is not to say that she wants to be overly conservative, either; however, she said that the knee-jerk tendency is to bombard younger women with all sorts of super aggressive treatments, even if there is no evidence that they help. She said her philosophy was to treat people based on their tumor characteristics, not their age. For most women, a lumpectomy + radiation is just as effective as a mastectomy. It's called evidence-based medicine.

The thing is I'm really not a super sensitive person - not about things like this, anyway; it takes quite a lot to offend or upset me. As I was mulling over why this conversation upset me so much, I was thinking back to a conversation I had with a woman in my EMT class last week. We were talking about breast implants - haha. The whole breast conversation started because we were doing EKGs, and to hook a person up to an EKG machine, you have to, well, get fairly touchy. Anyway, this woman declared that she didn't understand breast implants because 'I have the hugest boobs and I hate them.' I told her she did not have huge boobs (she really doesn't), and she then informed me she was wearing two bras, and 'I've pretty much been wearing two bras ever since I started wearing a bra.' LOL. Then she added, 'I've often thought that if I got breast cancer, I'll just tell them to cut my boobs off and leave them off.' The irony in the timing of the conversation was a bit much, as it was the same day I had my biopsy, but... I thought it was pretty funny. In fact, I still chuckle when I picture her saying this. She'd probably die of embarrassment if I told her that I actually do have breast cancer.

I've ranted about this before. I really hate reading lists of '10 Things You Should Never Say to Someone Who...' (fill in the blank: just had a miscarriage; just got divorced; just got whatevered). I'm sure I've said a kazillion things in my lifetime that were on those lists, without malice in my heart. But geez, people. If you are going on and on about something and the person is getting ready to cry and is walking away from you, take it as a sign to shut the hell up.