Fear of the Known

In what seems like a former life, I was actually a very serious athlete. Although the younger me did a number of sports, my main sports were gymnastics, then diving. Both of these sports involve a lot of fear. When you are trying to learn a new skill, there is the fear of the unknown. Will I do the right thing? Will I get lost in the air? Will I get hurt? Sometimes the first time you try something, it's easier than you thought, and so the second time you do it, you feel more confident. But sometimes the first try is a flop, and your fear is worse the second time around. It is the fear of the known versus the fear of the unknown. The fear of what you know can happen, because it did happen.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was confident I would have a drug-free birth with no problem. After all, I have a high pain tolerance! I walked around on a broken foot for several months before realizing it was broken! I've tweaked muscles, torn cartilage, and done all sorts of mean and nasty things to my body and still soldiered on! But, despite this, once back labor set in, I said yes to the epidural faster than you can even say epidural. LOL. Unfortunately, immediately afterward, my blood pressure dropped, my daughter's heart rate dropped to 40, and she was vacuumed out in an emergency procedure just a few minutes shy of a C-section. Coincidence? Maybe. But when I was pregnant with my son, I was dead set against the epidural. Dead set. Of course, remembering the intense pain that came with labor that caused me to beg for drugs like I have never ever begged for them before, and knowing that this was not an option for me, made me dread labor the second time around. Fear of the known.

I feel the same way going into surgery #2 as I did going into childbirth #2; it's almost as if I feel more anxiety the second time around. This is based on what I know can happen, and did happen. The first time around, I was pretty surprised that the recovery was far more hellish than anyone or any source, including Dr. Google, had prepared me for. Part of me wants to believe the second time won't be as bad, since at least I won't be having the sentinel node biopsy. I'm also hopeful that perhaps the pain from surgery #2 will just morph with the pain I'm still having from surgery #1, without adding more pain. But I'm also prepared for the possibility that my pain levels will go into exponential phase once the pain from surgery #1 and surgery #2 are combined. All in all, I think knowing the possible outcomes is giving me more anxiety this time around than the first. I feel like I am much more of a wreck than I should be over what I hope is pretty ho-hum surgery. Fear of the known.

Fortunately, I had a really great evening with two amazing friends and their families to distract me from my anxiety. And since I have five minutes before my food and drink ban sets in, I will go take a sleeping pill and hope that gets me through tomorrow.