Meet the Parents

So, everyone has complaints about their parents. Of course, if I go by Facebook alone, it feels like I'm the only person who has complaints about my parents, but I know better than that. And the thing is, I think I actually have a better-than-average relationship with my parents, especially my mom. Unfortunately, I am having a very difficult time with my parents right now. Some of the difficulty stems from the fact that I have been extremely tired, and therefore very irritable, over the past month, and especially the past few weeks post-surgery. Little things I might normally be able to blow off stick more, like bacteria getting trapped in an open wound and then getting inside the body, when they should normally just be hanging out on the skin.

But, the main crux of the problem is that my parents are SUPER negative about doctors, drugs, and the U.S. health care system in general, and, quite frankly, pretty ignorant about most things medical. Neither one of them ever sees a doctor regularly, and neither one of them has any major health problems, so their medical experiences are mostly limited to their dealings with the doctors my grandparents saw, my mom's experience giving birth to my brothers over 40 years ago, the time my dad broke his ankle when they were hiking in France, and the things they read, mostly in the New York Times. Despite this limited experience, my mom loves to spout off personal anecdotes about horrible doctors and/or the inequities in U.S. health care system, and it is often the same story I've heard umpteen times because she has so few of them. The thing is that I don't necessarily disagree; some doctors are horrible. Then again, some patients are horrible, and I bet my mom is one of them. If a doctor said something horrible to her, she probably deserved it. LOL. Also, I agree that society tends to be over-medicated and that drugs cannot and should not be used to treat every condition. However, cancer is not one of them, in my opinion.

The thing is, it has always been this way. The fact that I had hip surgery last summer, which really didn't help and then led to DVT, is making matters worse. And yes, I complain about my orthopedist. And I think my physical therapist pretty much sucked, too. All of these things have added fuel to my mom's firestorm of negativity, and made me wary of sharing things with her, even before this trip to Cancerland.

I have tried not to say too much when my parents make annoying comments because I truly understand that they do not mean badly. I honestly think they just can't help being annoying. LOL. My mom has very strong and weird opinions and no filters whatsoever, and when she doesn't know what to say, she says stupid shit. Her main 'go to' statement lately seems to be, 'That's so weird' when something is really not weird at all. I've actually called her on it a few times, but she doesn't seem to get it. For example: 

Me: We need to wait to get X, Y, Z test results, and they aren't back yet.

Her: That's so weird. 

Me: Why is it weird?

Her: It's weird it takes so long.

Me; Why is it weird? There are a lot of people with cancer and not very many pathologists.

Her: It just seems like it should be faster. (This is usually followed by some negative comment about health care in general, or about how she bets they get instantaneous results in More Advanced Countries, or about some article she read in the New York Times about tests for some unrelated medical condition.)

We got off to a bad start as far as Cancer Conversations go right off the bat. I mentioned in a previous post that my parents are academics and immediately started to contact all the people they know who know people. In one of the e-mails they got from a friend at the University Hospital medical school, he mentioned that breast cancer was usually treated early by lumpectomy followed by chemotherapy. I really don't think the friend gave that a lot of thought; I think he was just trying to give my parents an idea of what to expect because they seemed freaked out. Unfortunately, even though this friend is not an oncologist, somehow this 'lumpectomy + chemotherapy' is what my mom clung to, declaring, 'I am so happy to hear you won't need radiation!' I replied that I would rather do radiation than chemo, to which she replied, 'I don't know... I decided radiation isn't a good idea after watching what my dad went through.' Ummmmm... okay? Then she went on to say that so-and-so did chemo and she didn't even know she was doing chemo, and 'I don't think her hair even fell out,' so 'obviously chemo has come a long ways.' Yeah... okay? And JUST A HINT, my friends, if someone you know went through radiation or chemo and you didn't even know, it doesn't mean it was a walk in the park, it means you aren't a good friend or colleague. 

So needless to say, I haven't been sharing a ton of information with my parents, because their responses usually fall into one of three categories: a) negative feelings about a treatment - if not based on something that happened to my grandfather, then something based on an article from the New York Times; b) impatience that it is taking so long for a test result (don't get me wrong, I get impatient, too, but I also understand that repeatedly declaring, 'I don't understand why it takes so long!' in an angry voice does not make it take less time); or c) 'That's so weird.'

I did get suuuuuper irritated, I think even openly so, when I told my parents I had to have another surgery. Of course, my mom's first response was, 'That's so weird,' followed by questioning why they don't do the pathology analysis while you're still in surgery, and just take out more right then and there, if necessary. (Some surgeons do that, you know.) And also: why didn't the surgeon catch the DCIS in the first place? ('That's so weird.') When they asked when the second surgery would be, I said I wasn't sure, because my doctor wanted the results of the oncotype first, and of course this made my dad upset because Everything takes so long!! Then my mom said my surgeon better try to get me in quickly because, 'She's the one who messed up!' She followed up a few days later by telling me about an article that just came out in the New York Times, in which the researchers found that if surgeons took out a little more tissue to begin with, it would greatly reduce the need to go back in and take out more (ummm, duh). 'Hopefully your surgeon read that article,' my mom said. (Yes, it sounds like a very profound and life-changing article, something all competent surgeons should read. I also hear that if you just get your head shaved, it will greatly reduce the number of hair cuts you have to have in a given time period.) I tried to tell my mom that the surgeon had already taken out a lot considering the invasive tumor was only 1.3 cm, and she took out over 4.5 cm, including going all the way down to the fascia on my pectoralis muscle. I said that I had had a conversation with the surgeon about how much to take out, and she admitted it was hard to know, especially since the DCIS did not show up on the mammogram or MRI, and again, you have to weigh how much you want taken out versus just having a mastectomy, which I obviously opted not to do. My mom responded to this with, 'That's so weird.' 

I guess there is only so long that I can hide my annoyance, because my parents finally caught on. And yesterday, my mom and I sort of had it out, as much as we have ever had it out. We are not a confrontational family; instead, we hold everything in and either withdraw or get passive-aggressive on each other. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how productive our conversation was. While it did allow me to at least realize that I DO have a lot of pent up frustration with respect to my parents, my mom mostly reacted in a way that confirmed my decision to not tell her stuff, which was 1) denial, followed by 2) extreme hurt, which = okay, so I will never talk to you again if that's what you want (which is NOT what I want, which is why I've been trying to hold everything in for so f-ing long). 

I suppose I could write a book about this, and people actually have written books about this, which at least assures me that this is not an uncommon problem. However, I don't have time to write a book, so I'll just try to hit the highlights. My mom's major complaints were that she and my dad were doing everything they could to help, but that I was obviously not appreciating their help, and was shutting them out. I responded by trying to let my mom know that I knew they were trying to help, but at the same time were not being very helpful. I said that while I appreciated their recommendations as far as providers go, I also felt like I needed some room to try to make my own decisions, and that I felt like they were completely closed-minded about anyone not at University Hospital. Then I explained to my mom how difficult it was for me that she was so anti-radiation therapy, when this was something was pretty much a given from the get-go, and would reduce my chances of recurrence by A LOT, and that I was annoyed that their friend's 'advice' seemed to have become the gold standard that they were expecting in terms of my treatment. I also brought up how negative she had been about my surgeon because I needed a second surgery, and how her comment about how she better get me in quickly since she's the one who screwed up was really not helpful. I mean, trust me, I'm not psyched about a second surgery, and yes, I'm also wary of surgeons because of my experience with my orthopedist, but at the same time, I realize this stuff happens.

Also, in addition to the fact that I have been downright exhausted for the past month, not only have I been SICK for ten fucking days now, but I have also been in a lot of pain. Which brings me to another gripe: whoever started the rumor that lumpectomy + sentinel node biopsy is no big deal never had one before. Because it fucking hurts. A lot worse than you think, and for a lot longer than you might think. If you know someone who was out kayaking the Mississippi the week after this surgery, then good for her, she is one tough mofo, but don't hold everyone to that standard. Personally, I felt really unprepared for how much this surgery was going to hurt, and on top of that, felt really wimpy for popping pain pills every 4 hours for a full 36 hours afterwards, when apparently every other woman who had this done was competing in a triathlon, or at least going to yoga class immediately afterwards.

I told my mom that over the past few weeks, I was really sick and exhausted, and so part of what she was feeling in terms of me not communicating with her was that I was simply tired. There were times when she called when I was napping, and yeah, I was kind of annoyed she woke me up. She responded in the worst way possible by telling me that the reason I was exhausted was obviously because I was depressed. WTF? Like... I'm not saying I'm not. I have debilitating hip pain, DVT, and cancer. Hello!! I'm at the very least super stressed and emotionally wrung out. But last I checked, the symptoms of depression do not include throbbing pain the breast and hip, inability to lift your arm greater than 90 degrees, and constant coughing, which exacerbates throbbing pain the chest. Now that I have cancer, the only reason I'm allowed to be tired is because I'm depressed?! Unfortunately, this is sort of typical for my mom: all your problems are mental. 

I tried to explain to my mom that I really was sick and exhausted from not sleeping, because I have been coughing for 10 days. And the cough is real. It is caused by a virus, not depression. I am not faking it, and thinking happy thoughts will not make it go away. Then she said, 'Well I figured you were either really depressed or mad at me, so now I know. Obviously you are just mad at me.' Obviously. BUT I AM ALSO SICK. AND EXHAUSTED!! FOR REAL!! And pretty soon, I will also have a freaking concussion from banging my freaking head against the freaking wall! 

Finally, I mentioned in a previous post that my kids had been spending a lot of time with my MIL, probably too much. This is stressful enough for me, even without my mother's input. My MIL has some definitely flaws (don't we all?), and even my husband has an iffy relationship with her. But she is really not a bad person - she's just kind of stupid, and very self-centered. But in a way, she is easier for me to deal with than my own mom. My mom is extremely negative about my MIL - and granted, many of those feelings are justified, and admittedly many come from me. At the same time, I feel as if a lot of it is... jealousy? Resentment over the fact that my kids spend more time with my MIL than with her? But the thing is, I'd much rather my kids spend time with my parents, but they don't make themselves openly available, and it's true I don't ask them to watch the kids very much because when I do, it seems like a huge burden. I understand that they have their own lives, and unlike my MIL, they both have full-time jobs, and did not raise children just so that they could one day have grandchildren. At the same time, I feel resentful that my mom is complaining about my MIL when she basically makes no effort to spend quality time with my kids.

I tried to tell all of this to my mom in our conversation yesterday, and I'm not sure how much got through. She had previously mentioned how much my kids were talking about the Bible, which I am obviously not thrilled about, either. However, just like when my dad complains about how long it takes to get results, my mom complaining about my kids being Jesus freaks doesn't help the situation. I told her that them spouting off Bible stories was the least of my worries right now, and at the moment, the most helpful thing was someone who could help watch the kids, and my MIL provides that help. I added that ANY TIME she wanted to take them, I would welcome it. She responded by nodding, and saying that she needed go. LOL. Because she and my dad are going on a trip until Sunday. 

And it's actually sort of a relief, because I need some time to process all of this, and to be able to respond appropriately and constructively to everything. She left yesterday with a sort of threatening tone... like, don't shut us out, unless that's what you want, then sent me an e-mail this morning that was very similar in terms of tone, pretty much putting the burden on me. I feel like responding don't say and do shit that will make me want to shut you out, unless that's what you want. Fortunately, I think I communicate better in writing than in person, and since she opened the e-mail dialogue by sending me a long and sort of accusatory e-mail, and I know they are out of phone and e-mail range until Sunday, I have until Sunday to compose my response. 

So by the end of this, you're probably convinced that either my parents are horrible, or that I'm horrible, or both. LOL. I can't objectively comment on myself, but I can say that it was not my intention to portray my parents as horrible. They really aren't. And they really do mean well. And they are super sensitive, which is why I have tried not to say much, because again, I don't want them to get so super uptight they won't say ANYTHING to me EVER AGAIN. But I realize I need to handle this situation delicately, and try to write them an e-mail that will truly convey how I'm feeling without alienating them and making them feel like horrible people. 

Fortunately, I have a lot of practice conveying my feelings in writing, so hopefully it will turn out okay.