It occurred to me as I was madly trying to clean out my kitchen before heading off on vacation that I am not excited about vacation; it is just one more stressor to add to a list that already far exceeds my capacity for stress. I don't want to pack. I don't want to go to the beach. I don't want to be hot and sweaty and not really be able to get in the water. I don't want to get sand all over me. I don't want to get bitten by bugs. I don't want to spend money on cheesy crap I don't need. I don't want to get up at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow. I don't want to fly. I don't want to arrive and realize that I forgot X, Y, and Z (and probably considering my mental state A, B, C, D, E, and F, too).
In fact, as I was cleaning the kitchen, I came to the realization that what I really wanted to be doing is lying in fetal position and bawling. I feel like I've said a number of times in the past few weeks that I want to cry, but the truth is that I haven't shed more than a few tears. In the beginning, I cried a lot more. But I cared more then, I think. I don't know if I care enough anymore to cry, and that's actually a sort of scary feeling. I could use a good cry. It's the one thing I want right now, and I can't even do it.
Maybe this is the feeling people describe as hitting rock bottom. And if it is not rock bottom, then I am screwed.
hello my dear friend,
ReplyDeleteI am so incredibly sorry. Of course you are feeling this way. It is just way too much and should not have happened. I hope you can find a way to enjoy your vacation. You are wonderful!
love
Lexi
Wow we had all the extended family in town for a week so I am just getting caught up online but WOW I am SO SO SO SO sorry. You absolutely are justified in feeling this way and all I can do is just say sorry and there HAS to be a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere. I hope you are able to have some fun on vacation. You definitely deserve a break so I hope it is that and not an extra stressor.
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